Timing

Living in New York forced me to be ok with being alone. But it also taught me there’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely. I used to think I couldn’t do anything by myself. I would look like a loser. I would get bored and stare at my phone all night. But then I realized I am actually great company. 

At the beginning of quarantine, I started keeping a journal. Some days the entry simply said “Woke Up. Made a smoothie. Still waiting”. Around the time I started applying to teach overseas I finished the journal. Filled it up completely. Some pages warped from tears. Some pages with only a few words mapping out a to do list for the day. For some reason I had delayed starting a new journal. Maybe because when I start journaling I can’t stop. I know I can’t just write for 15 minutes. I know it will turn into a cathartic hour of self realization and sometimes I just don’t have the energy to delve into my psyche for an hour. 

I go back and read the entries from time to time to remind myself that even though it doesn’t feel like I’m moving forward with my life, I am. August 18th, 2020 I wrote about feeling like I was standing on the edge of a swimming pool wanting to jump in but feeling an immense amount of uncertainty. I ended the entry saying I was going to start taking a TEFL course if anything just to propel me forward. I didn’t know if it was the right step but it was A step. Off the solid concrete and into the swimming pool. Now to sink or swim or just float. 

All of this to say – timing is weird. It’s so circular and we fail to see the repeating patterns often writing off so much as coincidence or chance. I have moments of clarity every now and then when I step back and look at the bigger picture. I always realize I’m where I need to be and everything I’ve done- even things I thought were mistakes at the time- brought me to where I am now. Despite this insight, I tend to judge myself based on other people’s timelines. Which on the surface I know is the opposite of useful but I can’t help it. It’s a knee jerk reaction to any announcement post I see on social media. I felt self-conscious, a bit, going to teach English overseas because that’s what you do when you’re young. In your early 20’s when you can use age and lack of responsibilities or experience as an excuse to drop everything and move overseas.

Around the time I was finalizing my applications, I met someone and we started dating and I really liked him. I still really like him! And we’re trying to make it work long distance.I’m here less than a year. He can visit. And why can’t I have my cake and eat it too? Why can’t I get to fulfill a dream of living abroad and also have this relationship that means alot to me. But of course its not that simple. 

I’m alone here. But I’m not lonely (yet). The first few days I couldn’t make myself go into any restaurants or cafes. I was worried I would open my mouth to try and order a coffee or a beer and a record would scratch and the restaurant would fall silent while I mumbled my order in English or tried to stumble through the little Hungarian I’ve learned. Everyone would look at me and think ‘what the he hell is she doing here’. But yesterday, after an outing to buy sheets and shampoo that gave me a confidence boost, I walked to a restaurant and awkwardly asked if I could sit ( for some reason my exact words  were “Hi .. um Szia! Allo! Can I sit here? I’m ordering. Beer and food! I’m hungry. I’m by myself. Just me!”)

I decided to try and ask for the check in Hungarian. Kerem a számlát! The waiter looked at me blankly. 

I tried again, speaking even slower this time. 

Finally he said “Can you just speak in English?”.

I did and once I was paid I asked him how to correctly pronounce what I was trying to say. 

“Don’t worry. No one will understand you trying to speak Hungarian here. Just speak English.”

Surprisingly this did not deter me. When I studied abroad in France I was met with the same attitude. I knew slightly more French then but the determination is the same. 10 years later I still have a very intermediate grasp of the French language so just you wait, Hungarian waiter. I’ll see you in 10 years and PROVE how much I’ve retained.