I guess this blog will just be a monthly thing? I spent the entirety of lockdown journaling every thought that crossed my mind and suddenly I’m here in Budapest and I can’t find the time or mental energy to sit down for 10 minutes. During lockdown I could almost physically feel any thought I tried to internalize bubbling up and trying to burst out of me.
Last time I wrote, I mentioned how sick I had been. I would like to note that I am still sick. Yes, still. Not again. But still.
I started feeling sick right before I went to Austria with a sick stomach and a stuffy nose. The stuffy nose evolved into a sinus infection that made me feel like someone had blown a balloon up in my head and clogged my ears with cotton balls.
The sinus infection moved down to my lungs. After weeks and weeks of different medicine I’ve decided this is just how I exist now. With a stuffy nose and a cough that makes people inch away from me on the metro platform.
I’ve started making friends here and I’m starting to feel a sense of community. When I first decided to move to Budapest it was somewhat of an open-ended plan. I knew I would go for the year but I was also confident that if I wanted to stay in Europe I could figure it out. And why wouldn’t I want to stay?
But then I met Dan.
Well actually I met Dan before the pandemic even started. We met at a mutual friends engagement party 2 weeks before the city shut down for a “2 week quarantine”. The first thing we talked about was renting books from the library and reverting back to our childhoods by rereading old books we used to love. I thought he was cute and he thought I was too but you can forgive us if in March 2020 we had other things on our minds.
A year later, as I was in the middle stages of applying for teaching positions overseas, we reconnected. What did it matter if we went on a few dates? Summer was coming and the city was reopening. It would be fun to have a fling before I moved overseas.
After our second date, the torment began. I knew for sure I was going to Budapest around our 3rd date and told him everything. We decided to just keep hanging out. I told him I thought it was pointless to stop seeing each other over something that might happen. We had the whole summer. Things might fizzle out naturally.
6 months later I just dropped him off at the airport where I cried so hard saying goodbye to him I snotted in my mask prompting everyone in the near vicinity to assume I was in pain.Part of me felt like I should have gone abroad single. I wanted my whole heart to exist in Budapest. I wanted all my chapters in New York closed. I didn’t want anything tethering me anywhere. But if this is where I find myself in life- with a boyfriend and also moving abroad- I don’t think I should have to pick and choose which parts I get to enjoy.
I never want to be the type of person who bases my life decisions around anyone else- especially a romantic interest. I’ve always been aggressively independent. I like doing things by myself. I like going to a bar, sitting with a book, and people watching while I sip a cocktail by myself.
I like traveling by myself. I can move at my own pace. I only spend time at the sites I want to see.
I do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it and I don’t get called selfish because I have no one counting on me.
I think sometimes it’s a defense mechanism though. If I choose to be alone then I won’t feel lonely when I see groups of friends out together. If I’m not leaning on someone else when they leave I won’t feel lost. If I only rely on myself when something goes wrong, it’s only me to blame and that’s ok. If I rely on someone else and things go wrong, then it’s not only my problem but I also have this other person to worry about too.
I could probably write a lot more about those feelings but instead of over-thinking them and trying to intellectualize everything, I’ve been acknowledging the feelings and letting myself sit with the fear of losing my independence. Because the fear will remain that- a fear- as long as I don’t let it become anything else.
So that’s what I’ve been dealing with and I don’t know if I will ever reach a point where I’m able to find an equilibrium between my independent life and accepting other people in. But when/ if I do you can bet your ass I’ll be monetizing on that shit.
Kimberly Skoda 