Solo Traveling

I am an adult woman. I have carried myself across the world and back. I have created the life that little ten year old me couldn’t even dream of. So why is it that when I was attacked by a man on the tram last week, I felt like it was my first time in a foreign country with absolutely no idea what to do. 

Once I was finally able to get away from him and off the tram I sat down and started crying. Why is it that this man brought me to tears? This puny little man with the emotional maturity of a kindergartner throwing this tantrum on a tram. Is it because I know he’ll never be held accountable for his actions? Is it because men like him have been treating women like this for years? Is it because no one on the tram, not the multiple men or women, even looked up to intervene? Probably a combination. I think mostly it was frustration that despite all my accomplishments and how hard I’ve worked in therapy, there will still be outside factors that can absolutely fuck up my day. And that’s not fair! 

This incident got me thinking. Traveling in a foreign country, no matter any other factors that might set you apart, can be a little intimidating. But traveling as a person who is seen as less than in that country adds a whole other layer of anxiety. 

I pride myself on being a smart solo female traveler. These smarts have been honed after years of traveling on my own and few missteps that taught me the hard way how to prepare myself. Nothing major has ever happened to me and I won’t say it’s because I’m smart. I’ll say its because I’m lucky. Because no amount of smarts or experience will prepare even a seasoned traveler from every single possible situation. Sometimes I read articles meant to help solo female travelers with safety tips and tricks and can’t help but wonder why so many of these articles exist when really men could just learn to not put us in danger. Somehow I feel these listicles put the responsibility on women to stay safe as opposed to placing the responsibility on men to… you know… not kill us. 

Now before this reaches the wrong crowd I want to preface all this by saying that yes, of course, not all men are dangerous or mean harm to women. Not all snakes are poisonous either. But I’m not going to hang out with a snake and just hope its not poisonous. That is, unless I know a lot more about that snake. (but also my biggest fear in the world are snakes so maybe this metaphor isn’t great). 

So without seeming like a bit of a hypocrite I wanted to write about what I do to prepare myself. This is just my experience and I know experiences can vary greatly so comment below if you have other tips or experiences you’d like to share. 

These are a few actions I’ve taken to ease my anxiety and keep me feeling safe: 

While I am physically alone, theres never a time when someone doesn’t know where I am. I normally make a spreadsheet of all the places I am staying and a rough plan for each day.  I share that spreadsheet with my parents and a friend or two. 

I only post instagram stories tagging the location once I’ve left that area. 

I pack light. Nothing makes you a walking target more than lumbering along with an oversized duffel bag or rolling suitcase thudding down the street. 

I trust my gut. If something feels off then it is. 

I learn a few key phrases before traveling. Of course being in a place where they speak your native tongue will make things better in general. I never assume the non-English speaking countries I am going to will know English.  Hello, Goodbye, Where is the bathroom. Please. Thank you. This honestly doesn’t get you very far in a practical sense but it puts me at ease. It also goes A LONG WAY to show the local people that you are attempting their language. (Except in France. In France, you slightly mispronounce baguette and are immediately deported. It’s actually the law). 

Be wary of Air BnBs with male hosts. I’ve had enough solo traveler friends that have horror stories from Air BnBs to mention this. I feel comfortable enough staying by myself in an Air BnB that has a woman host but I still MUCH prefer hostels if I’m looking to meet other people. There are many hostels with solo rooms available as well if you’re on a budget but still want privacy. I always suggest booking an all- female room if you do decide to go the hostel route. Meeting other women has been one of my favorite parts of traveling and there’s really something beautiful about how women look out for each other. 

I have a friend that I call if I feel I’m being followed or watched. Theres been times when I’ve literally face-timed a friend and out loud said “Look at this guy who’s following me. Did you get a good look? Ok good.”. 

While the little Southern that’s left in me still has an intense urge to be polite, I really have to repress those feelings and steel myself to be mean. If a man (or woman that is giving you bad vibes) is asking a few too many questions, don’t be afraid to simply say “Oh I’m just interested in sitting by myself right now.”

Truly one time when I was by myself in New York walking home late and a stranger decided he should walk me home ‘for my safety’. The only way I could get him to leave was to stop, look him dead in the eyes, and say “I’m having diarrhea right now. You should probably walk away.” But enough about how charming I am. 

Read. I’ve learned a lot from reading other travel blogs by women as well as reading about the area I’m visiting. Will wearing shorts make me a target in a more conservative country? Are there certain bars that everyone knows to avoid? Reading google reviews of the top rated bars in each area has also helped me figure out the nightlife and how to dress for a night out. 

Join expat groups. I’m part of Girl Gone International on Facebook. Most major cities around the world will have their own Girl Gone International subgroup that offers local tips and meetups. There are women constantly posting in Budapest’s group saying they’ll be in for a week and inviting others out for coffee, drinks, or sight-seeing. 

I also want to say it all sucks. The need to exert emotional and physical energy towards making sure you’re safe. It sucks that its on me to make sure I don’t get attacked. It sucks that, as a woman, I can’t just go somewhere by myself dressed how I want and do what I want with no worries about how other people will react. But thats just not the world we live in. For now. With every woman that comes forward with an incident, I hope that any man or person in a position of power will understand that its not women’s job to change the way things are: its the men. Its men’s job to hold each other accountable. Really in general it is the person in power’s job to stand up for those who are more vulnerable.  

The safer you feel in a situation, the more fun you’re going to be able to have so I hope this article didn’t deter you from traveling but instead encourage! As I take a step down from my soapbox, please remember all the good of traveling by yourself heavily outweighs the bad. You can check out my instagram for a few more pics of my adventures or look below for a few awkward selfies and timed pics I’ve taken while traveling solo. Still haven’t mastered the selfie but after a few more million attempts maybe I’ll get it. 

  • Phone propped up in a tree while hiking solo in the Smoky Mountains
  • Phone propped up on a stump while hiking in the smokies.
  • In the Castle District of Budapest.
  • Phone propped up on a column in the Vienna Opera house
  • Margaret Island, Budapest
  • Solo birthday trip in Eger, Hungary
  • Eger, Hungary
  • Dubrovnik, Croatia
  • Dubrovnik, Croatia
  • Blue Lagoon, Iceland
  • Iceland
  • Vik, Iceland
  • Esztergom, Hungary
  • hiking in the Smoky Mountains

Self Care in Dubrovnik

When I first moved to Budapest there were a few cities I knew I would make time to see. Dubrovnik was at the top of my list so when I found myself with 5 days off of work around Easter I knew it was fate. I was so lucky that my friend, Stephanie, was visiting as well. Stephanie and I met in college. She was one of my only friends who lived in New York when I moved there and I leaned on her heavily for help so I was excited to get to show her around. After walking around Budapest for a few days we hopped on a plane to Dubrovnik. Well actually, we tried to hop on a plane but after 2 canceled flights which we only found out about when trying to check-in, we took a 5am train to Vienna. In Vienna we were booted off that flight and made to take a plane to Zagreb then transfer to Dubrovnik. The point is we arrived in Dubrovnik Saturday afternoon with 3 days ahead of us to explore. 

The first thing that stood out to me about Croatia is the landscape. I found it to be a crazy mix of tropical and Mediterranean with palm trees and beaches set against a rocky lush green wild and untamable land that I have found to set the terrains of Eastern and Western Europe apart. Similar in some ways to the South of France the beaches are rocky and the water is the type of azure blue that makes it seem photoshopped. 

I’m normally not one to opt for a resort or all inclusive vacation as opposed to trudging out on my own and building my own experience. However, after almost 7 months of teaching, my brain was a bit fried. I honestly just needed to be told what to do. So I’m glad we chose to stay at a resort called Dubrovnik President Valamar Collection Hotel right outside of Dubrovnik in a little area called Babin Kuk.

It was cheaper than usual to travel and stay in Croatia as the resorts had literally just opened for the season. Because we visited in mid-April, we knew it would be cold. We were just happy to be in the sun. The hotel was just in its second weekend of being open for the season and was running a bit slow. Honestly, I didn’t mind as I was there to relax and lay in the sun. If my cocktail took an extra 10 minutes I didn’t really care. There were however quite a few guests who I noticed did care so I will say the same thing I have said before. You have to make sure your expectations can align with the reality of the destination where you are traveling. Do not go to a European seaside town in April and expect the same service you would get in July. 

On Saturday we arrived around midday to the hotel. Stephanie immediately headed down to the beach. I was exhausted from the trip so I grabbed a book and headed out onto our balcony, which overlooked the beach and resort’s property. I immediately conked out. I awoke two hours later with a snort in a pool of my own drool feeling like a shriveled up raisin. 

After rehydrating and splashing some water on my face I headed out to explore. I found the spa where I promptly made an appointment for a massage. The next day was Easter and so Stephanie and I had decided to have a chill self care day. Then, I headed down the beach. Just being around the water always lowers my blood pressure ( is that science?) but it was really windy. So windy, in fact, that one of the hotel’s restaurants located on the beach itself had delayed opening until next weekend. 

I walked back up to find my friends on a beautiful spacious terrace that overlooked the water as the sunset. We ordered drinks and made a plan for the night. We found a restaurant that offered vegan options in Lapad Bay- a 20 minute walk away from the hotel. 

We headed out and walked onto a winding road with a rising red clay hill on one side with tufts of dark greenery and a sharp cliff with occasional pull offs for cars to enjoy the view of the ocean on the other. After a short detour when google told us to go down an alleyway of stairs that was closed by a locked fence halfway down, we finally made our way onto a pedestrian street. The street led to a public beach that looked amazing – public slides that I’m sure in warmer times flung little kids ( and probably adults) into the Adriatic. 

As we walked I was struck by how vertical the whole town felt. All the houses were piled on top of each other  with one house’s garage roof serving as the driveway for another. One house’s garden planted on the roof of another’s balcony. Nothing seemed cramped and all the houses had unobscured views of the ocean far down below. Looking at all the houses neatly arranged, level by level, reminded me of a perfect game of tetris. Everything fitting just so. 

The restaurant we chose, Restoran Madonna, was owned by 4 brothers who were eager to give us recommendations. They told us all about all the food we had to try while in Croatia and all the bars we should go to. While Lapad Bay and Babin Kuk seemed to have beautiful houses it didn’t feel like a super residential area. I couldn’t help but compare these little neighborhoods set on the outskirts of Dubrovnik to the similar areas in Budapest that felt a bit sleepy and inaccessible if English was your only language. 

After dinner we had plans to walk around and have a drink or dessert at another restaurant lining the pedestrian only streets but the wind had picked up and dropped the temperature. We found a much better walk way back to the hotel that lined the beach and included entrances to all the resorts in Babin Kuk as well as a few little swimming holes and docks for private boats. 

We had a drink at the hotel bar before heading to bed where I promptly fell asleep and slept for a full 12 hours 

The next day was Easter so it was easy not to feel guilty taking it easy and not heading out first thing in the morning. After an amazing breakfast that was included with our booking, the rest of the day involved walking around the resort in white terry cloth robes, massages, sauna, aperol spritz, mimosas, and many other luxuries that made me feel like I’m everyone’s rich single aunt who pops in for family gatherings in her fur coat and leaves early because she’s got happy hour with her friends. 

Monday I awoke ready to do the one thing I knew I couldn’t leave Dubrovnik without doing; The Game of Thrones Walking Tour. I had followed Game of Thrones since the beginning and when it ended I was left with a show hangover for quite some time. Maybe this tour would alleviate some of the foul taste the last season had left. 

After breakfast we took one of the public buses about 20 minutes into Old Town. The bus ride was really lovely and took us through a super residential part of Babin Kuk that we were yet to see. The tickets can be purchased at any hotel’s front desk or from the driver himself. 

As the bus pulled up and I got out, the view knocked the wind out of me once again. It was incredibly breathtaking and I was struck again by how impossible it was to capture the beauty with an iphone camera. The Old Town’s white stone wall and the red roofs set against the turquoise blue of the Adriatic felt like a true intersection of Mediterranean, Central, and Southern Europe. At one point, as we were sitting on top of the Wall at a café enjoying a glass of rose, I noticed that the sea sparkled in the sunlight the way Disney animates water. All shimmer and dazzle and no trash or seaweed or debris to be seen. At any moment I felt like Ariel was going to wash up on the beach. 

Old Town in Dubrovnik is an incredibly fortified area with one main entrance and exit, not including the port on the other side. The tour began at The Onofrio Fountain, a hub for artists and vendors, right at the entrance. The first stop was a fortress outside the city walls called Lovrijenac. The tickets to get in were not included in our tour but once purchased could also be used to walk the Wall as well as a few other sites in Dubrovnik. As we walked up to the fortress, our tour guide explained that to be a tour guide in Croatia you must pass extensive and intense tests on the history and landscape of the country, so he was eager to talk about more than just Dubrovnik during the years that Game of Thrones filmed there. During the two and half hour tour we saw not only the filming locations but also learned about Dubrovnik’s history. Unfortunately my school’s history books didn’t include a lot on the invasion of Croatia by Serbia or its successful claims for independence ( those books did however include a lesson on the Ten Commandments so don’t worry about my thorough education!) 

The tour ended on the famed “Shame Stairs” where Cersei takes her naked walk of repentance. We used Dubrovnik Walking Tours  and they were really wonderful. The most unexpected part of the tour was learning how the local Croatian people reacted to (and clashed) with production in the early years. After the tour, we walked down the stairs and through a market with tiny streets all shooting off and winding away to find lunch.  

After lunch we decided to walk along the top of the Wall surrounding Dubrovnik. As we walked we got a panoramic view of the islands surrounding as well as the few brave tourists on excursions in the water. After wandering for a bit longer and window shopping we went to dinner and got the one dish we had been urged to try- Black Risotto- made with cuttlefish. A few bites was enough to know I’d probably never order cuttlefish again but glad I tried it! 

The next day our flight wasn’t until 4pm so we took our time at breakfast trying to savor the dwindling all-inclusive perks. We walked along the boardwalk taking our time popping down a few stairs to different docks. We stopped and had a coffee at one of the cafes on the public beach in Lapad Bay and watched the waves, trying to soak up as much vitamin D as possible. The weather in Budapest was still dismal and would be for a few more weeks. After walking around the local port for a bit we stopped for a quick lunch in a literal cave called, Špilja Bar, and headed to the airport. I was sad to go and really look forward to when I can return. Although, from everything I’ve heard from the locals and my Hungarian friends who have gone, Dubrovnik is a bit of a nightmare in the peak summer months so I count myself lucky we went right as things were opening. 

My Final Thoughts on Croatia are this: I thoroughly loved my time there. Everything felt extremely accessible. The exchange rate was amazing and helped assuage the guilt of staying in a resort. With that being said I almost feel like I’m not allowed to say I really saw Croatia, you know? I went at a time when alot was still closed. The weather wasn’t great for spending more than a half hour on the beach. I spent a whole day just at the hotel. But I’m allowed to be a tourist! I was on vacation to enjoy myself and that’s what I wanted to do! I always say that you shouldn’t go to a noteworthy monument just because its noteworthy. If you’re in Paris and don’t care about going to The Louvre; don’t go to The Louvre! And in that same vein I will say I am not going to allow myself to feel guilt for taking it easy on this holiday. 

I went into my Dubrovnik trip with no expectations, therefore I wasn’t disappointed when the weather was bad and I didn’t do as much as I usually would. Normally when I’m traveling my eyes fly awake as the sun rises and I just can’t make myself go back to sleep. I have to go out and experience everything and it’s hard to allow myself to actually relax because of the imaginary checklist I sometimes inflict upon myself ( have I mentioned how chill and cool I am). 

I was able to actually sit down and read a book which I hadn’t been able to do in so long- honestly since Christmas break. I don’t know if it was because my mind has been occupied with teaching or part of me feels like I’m not allowed to sit and do leisure things like reading when I have things I want to accomplish. I’ve felt my time here slipping away and I’m starting to feel a bit panicky about not getting to do everything I wanted. I had this grand idea that I’d write a book while I was here. I have two half written stories that I haven’t been able to flesh out in the least. I don’t know why I thought moving to a foreign country and starting a new job would give me the stable and consistent environment needed to write a book. 

Anyway I’m trying to be ok with what I’ve done and remind myself that just because I didn’t get to travel to certain places while living here doesn’t mean I’ll never get to do those things.

I hate the idea that I can just dip in and out of people’s lives in Budapest and go back to New York having gotten what I wanted out of this experience. But I know this year was more than just a dip. 

I’ve been traveling in Hungary quite alot and can’t wait to write about it. Also feel like I’m on the verge of another full on freak out as I prepare to move so can’t wait to chronicle that as well! 

You can check out my instagram to follow my travels and a few pictures below.

  • view of the mountains from the private beach at the hotel
  • more of the private beach at the hotel
  • Last day aperol spritz on the terrace
  • Game of Thrones filming location Blackwater Bay.
  • beautiful greenery on the way to Lapad Bay
  • Atop the Old Town Wall
  • Relaxing at the hotel
  • taken on a beach right outside Old Town Dubrovnik wall. In the distance is the Lovrijenac fortress.
  • View of Old Town Dubrovnik from Lovrijenac.
  • View from atop the wall
  • Rosé on the wall
  • Can you recognize what Game of Thrones scene was filmed here?
  • Unashamed selfie on the way to dinner the first night
  • Sunset as seen from one of the hotel’s restaurants.
  • Taken on the walk from Babin Kuk to Lapad Bay
  • Black Risotto

A Long Weekend in Nice

A week or so ago I journeyed to Nice, France for a long weekend with one of my oldest and best friends, Caroline. Caroline was about to, and I had just turned, 31 so we used our birthdays as an excuse to meet up. Caroline and I used to sit in our backyards in Tennessee and dramatically bemoan our lives stuck in the suburbs. We just KNEW we were meant for something more exciting and challenging. That is when we weren’t pretending to be witches and tricking our brothers into drinking potions out of the stone bird bath in Carolines backyard. Or playing Mummy and pretending we were in Ancient Egypt running away from zombies. 

Caroline now lives in Montpellier as an English teacher so Nice was an easy 3 hour bus ride for her. Me, not so much. With flight delays and travel time to and from the airport getting to Nice ended up taking almost 6 hours. Nevertheless when I arrived at my hostel, I felt my jaw unclench as I was greeted by a warm breeze and the sound of ocean waves. 

In my opinion Nice itself is small enough to experience in 24 hours but that doesn’t mean you should only dedicate 24 hours to your voyage au sud de la France. Listed below are the highlights of my trip that you simply can’t allow yourself to miss.

Marche aux Fleurs

While the Marché aux Fleurs gets its name from the gorgeous greenery that is sold, there is so much more to see and buy. Local artists set up tables selling their art- prints originals, carvings, trinkets, even painted canvas tote bags. All heavily inspired by the méditerranéen atmosphere. Fresh fruit, veggies, olives, oils, and herbs can also be found for sale. If you choose to start your day at the market I suggest grabbing a coffee from a nearby shop and then heading to the market to purchase whatever fresh pasties you can find. The market is bordered by many restaurants where you can sit outside on nice days. They are mostly open for a few hours in the afternoon and then close again before opening for dinner service. Every night there were lines of people to eat at each restaurant so reservations are highly recommended even if they are made the same day. 

Promenade Des Anglais

Just a 5 minute walk away from the market is the promenade des anglais, a long boardwalk that borders the beach and will take you the length of Nice if you have the stamina to walk the whole thing. Named after the English tourists who made nice a tourist spot during the industrial revolution, the promenade is not only a must see, it’s unavoidable. Especially if you are interested at all in seeing the beach. I must warn anyone that plans to go to the beach in Nice- the beaches are very rocky. Additionally, both times I’ve gone there was too much traffic along the beach to feel comfortable leaving my stuff on my towel to go in the water. There are tons of amazing beaches a short bus ride away from the beach that borders the promenade. 

The promenade also leads you directly to the port of Nice where you can rent boats and book excursions. It was too cold to do any water activities but Caroline and I were happy to spend time sitting by the dock looking at all the colorful boats bobbing in the water. 

Castle Hill

 The Castle of Nice, which was a military citadel, now serves as a beautiful park with gorgeous panoramic views of Nice. There are quite a few ways to hike up to the ancient castle. Each walk provides numerous viewpoints and photo opportunities. There is an elevator that will take you straight to the top as well if a hike isn’t an option for you. My personal favorite view point leads to a multi-level waterfall. The mist is always welcome after a long walk. Above the waterfall a few cafes can sometimes be found, depending on the season. Walking up Castle Hill and summiting really does feel like you’re walking into another time period with the amount of well-preserved landscapes and parks. 

Chez Pipo

 I think it would be kind of condescending of me to simply state that the food in France is good. It would be like saying ‘Oh yeah. You know the grand canyon? Did you know that its big?’. My general rule when traveling is to stay away from restaurants advertising their menu in English. I know most of the time its to take the intimidation out of ordering and there are times when I just want to look at a waiter and say, “Can I have a cheeseburger please,” but the South of France is not the place to firmly settle in your comfort zone. After a recommendation from a fellow English teacher, Caroline and I ventured through the port and down a little street behind a school to find Chez Pipo. Our goal was to try socca, a local delicacy. Socca is a crepe-like pancake made with chickpea flour. I had the red pepper socca and Caroline had the parmesan and mushroom socca. They were both heavenly and paired perfectly with the olive tapenade and aperol spritz we ordered as well. Socca can be found all over Nice at local markets and street food carts so even if you don’t care to search out Chez Pipo, finding a few minutes to sit down and enjoy a local delicacy is a must. 

VilleFranche-sur-Mer

 Just a short bus or train ride away from Nice tons of picturesque little villages can be found. This trip we chose to take a bus 30 minute away to Villefranche-sur-mer. The bus ride itself was an adventure as it followed the famous twisting roads of the French Riviera along the sea. We would find ourselves precariously wedged between two terracotta villas with motorists zooming around us and then suddenly the bus would round a bend and the view would open up to the bright blue sea only to disappear again as we hairpinned around another corner. The bus dropped us off right outside a small farmers market where we strolled and then made a plan. From the market we wandered around the old town until we found ourselves at the beach. Tons of restaurants line the beach varying greatly in price point and offerings. There were literal shacks offering bottled beer to go next to beautiful cabanas with billowing white canvas that offered champagne and caviar. The beach at Villefranche is way less rocky so we set up our towels and lounged. The water was way too cold to swim but that didn’t stop me from dipping my toes in. After spending a few hours laying on the beach periodically going for drinks or snacks. Caroline and I packed up and slowly made our way back to the bus. As we walked, bands began to play mediterranean music, people began to dance, and the charming little town transformed. We had plans for dinner in Nice so we sadly boarded the bus and left. 

Monaco can also be reached along the same bus line we took. The train or bus ride are both about an hour from Nice and equally as picturesque. Monaco, in my opinion, is a little overrated but still worth visiting if you have the time. It’s a great day trip where you can wander along the streets, dine in overpriced cafes, tour the Monaco Cathedral, and see the palace. In addition there are- or were when I went in 2013- a few Princess Grace memorials. The streets are immaculately clean and everything from the streets, to the sidewalks, to even the parking garages ooze luxury. Of course the casinos and nightlife draw in a certain crowd as well. Unfortunately those are attractions that I can’t speak on but I understand the appeal! I always like to say that I pick and choose moments in my travels to ‘cosplay as rich’ and the casinos and clubs in Monaco just never appealed to me in the way other expensive ‘treat yourself’ type places have. 

Keep in mind when planning day trips that if you decide to buy tickets on the bus you need to have exact change. Unlike a lot of major cities, Nice and the surrounding areas have a lot of places that are cash only.

You should also remember that Monaco is technically another country so you may be asked for your passport when traveling between.

 I would like to note, I went Thursday March 24th to Sunday March 27th. The days were warm but still windy. The nights were still wintery cold and the water was nowhere near warm enough to swim. Quite a lot of the seasonal restaurants had just opened for the season and were running limited menus. To me, this trip was still worth it considering how uncrowded the streets were and the cheap flights and accommodations. When traveling to the South of France always check to see the opening season for whichever cities you plan to visit! 

In addition to everything I’ve mentioned, Nice also offers luxury shopping and quite a few excursions that remind me I’ll never be in the tax bracket that can afford to look so effortlessly windswept while wearing designer clothes and sipping champagne on the beach. I am always going to be the type of person that has to get in the water even if its too cold or windy. And I think I’m always going to the traveler that chooses comfort over aesthetics. Nevertheless, this quick long weekend in Nice helped me return to Budapest a little more sun-kissed and alot more relaxed. 

You can check out my instagram for pictures of my trip and a few more thoughts.

Bend So You Don’t Break

I was doing a yoga video the other day and at one point the instructor said “You learn to bend so when the storm comes you don’t break.” I like to think I’m bending slightly easier these days. I’m constantly barraged by reminders that despite all the plans I might have, what’s going to happen is just what’s going to happen. And the only thing I can do is look at the challenges in front of me and continue moving forward. 

I had plans to write a weekend itinerary for Budapest after Alex’s visit but the Ukrainian war started and honestly it felt pointless to continue writing about which cafe has the best cappuccino when there were people waking up to bombs exploding.  

I would like to offer a look into what life looks like living in a country that shares borders with Ukraine but reporting on any aspect of war is an immense responsibility that requires a certain … lack of emotion? Detachedness? Talent? that I just don’t possess. I won’t pretend that I’m in any sort of danger or putting myself in any sort of discomfort to help the refugees that have arrived either. I’ve been able to donate here and there and the school where I work has been helping a lot as well. I don’t feel comfortable honestly writing about my interactions with the displaced people because they’re human beings and its not my story to tell. 

I am pleasantly surprised by the Hungarian government’s response given what I know about how immigrants were treated in the past (all over Europe). It has been super accessible to drop off donations and a national phone line was set up as well. I can’t help but catch myself in moments of joy or complacency thinking ‘how dare I allow myself happiness right now. The Ukrainian people don’t have the luxury of letting their mind wander to distraction’. 

I know its silly and not helpful to torture myself like that so I really am trying to redirect my thoughts from ‘Oh those poor people’ to ‘Ok. Enough with the lamenting, how can I help’. Because really at the end of the day no one needs your pity. They just need help. 

In the midst of these horrific events, International Women’s Day happened and I was reminded that despite living through insanely terrible times it’s still ok to stop and try and find something to smile about. Women are given flowers by their male coworkers and friends for IWD here. Some of the little boys brought flowers for the little girls and passed them out. It was sweet and we talked about why women deserve a day celebrating them. I got a beautiful rose bush and flowers that I have already killed. I even went out and bought potting soil because I REALLY didn’t want to kill these plants but I have the opposite of a green thumb. It’s like I’m the 8th plague when it comes to plants. 

Also I turned 31! I went on a solo trip to a small northern Hungarian town called Eger. The tradition of taking myself on trips for my bday began when I was younger I think and my birthday always fell during spring break. March 16th has the uncanny ability to always be colder than you think it will be and this birthday was no different. Nothing prepares you for the uniquely freezing early March wind that punches you straight in your bones when your body has slightly started to hope for warm days. Despite how stupidly cold it was I really enjoyed my solo trip. I always revel in my ability to travel by myself and fully enjoy it.

31 sounds like such an old age. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I “should” be feeling but honestly I’m really happy with turning 31. I enjoy feeling like I’m moving forward in time. I do not however enjoy the thick gray hair that sprouted out of my head seemingly overnight but we’re just going to ignore that problem until we can’t anymore. I used to say if I could have a super power it would be to stop time so I could live in certain moments for as long as I wanted. So I could savor lying in bed or remember forever how happy I was sitting with friends on a random summer night. But I’m really starting to be ok with living with moments when they’re happening and then accepting when they’ve passed. 

I’m traveling to Nice this coming weekend to see Caroline and I’m realizing my wardrobe is very much giving a bohemian eastern European nanny so I had a brief moment of panic knowing how judgmental the French can be. I think I have enough black to scrape by for 3 days. I’m excited to see how much French I remember as well. I know the most important “ah excusez moi monsieur? Je prends un vin merci.” Thats all that matters.

I am also a little worried because its become a lesser known law of nature that if I have time off work, my body will take that opportunity to get sick. I woke up the first morning in Eger after sleeping in with a sinus headache that lasted the 3 days of break and conveniently cleared up right as I readied myself to return to school. 

I haven’t been reading lately which always puts me in a weird funk. I really want to push myself to finish a book a month this year and finish some more serious writing pieces I’ve left unfinished for awhile. For years now I’ve been easy on myself, allowing my creativity to come and go as it wanted but I think now is the time I really sit down and force something out.

Maybe I’ll give myself a deadline and post them here. I still plan to write a weekend itinerary for Budapest as well as my experience in Eger so I promise to post that soon!

You guys would tell me if I was old right?

If anyone was wondering about my abilities as an adult, worry no longer. I not only did my taxes, BUT I did them as an individual living out of the country. Who also received unemployment last year. And who made income in another country. It was all completed correctly and I only rage slammed my computer shut once. So I think I deserve a medal. Or a drink.

I’ve been trying to find the mental energy to write- not only this blog but other stories I’ve been working on and I’ve been coming up short. I’ve found that whenever I sit down to form a clear and concise update, I end up vomiting 3000 words into a document that have absolutely no through line or subject whatsoever. I’ve had a hard time finding motivation lately in many aspects of my life. Actually I’ve been having a hard time doing much of anything with any sort of focus. 

Honestly I’d been in a not great place since getting back in January. I’m sure some of it can be blamed on lack of vitamin d, the cold, the sun setting at ungodly hours, missing my boyfriend. I did end up getting COVID and contrary to popular belief it wasn’t fun! My symptoms were mild and I mostly just slept. The only thing I still feel like I’m recovering from is the isolation I experienced and change in routine. I’ve always teetered between feeling like an extrovert and introvert my entire life. Removing the possibility for social interaction reminded me how much I do need it to survive even if it’s going to a bar and sitting by myself with a book in hand. 

I’ve also adapted the physical routine of an elderly sloth in that since getting Covid I get home from work lay on my couch and then at some point roll to my bed. I can’t really blame that completely on Covid, though. I haven’t even unpacked my tennis shoes since moving here in august. Atleast before I made time for an at home yoga or dance video once a week. 

A few weekends ago my friend Alex and his boyfriend Isaac visited me from Wales and while I was kind of dreading the idea of having to clean my apartment, which had become a den of depression with food wrappers scattered everywhere, I was grateful for something to force me off the couch. 

Alex and I met ten years ago when we were both working for a summer camp. We were both complete messes in the same ways and our lives have seemed to parallel each others over the years. 

The first night he arrived, we were meant to go out but ended up sitting in my apartment for 3 hours in a constant trill of catching up without even breathing. We talked alot about getting older and how we feel like we’re so different but also how it feels like nothings changed in who we are fundamentally. We’ve become people our younger versions would make fun of but secretly envy. We’re not scared of the process of getting older itself but of one day realizing we’re still doing the same things we enjoyed in our 20s but suddenly realizing we’re too old for it all. That one ordinary day we’d walk into our favorite bar wearing our favorite outfit and look decrepit and out of place among all the 20 somethings. 

Before I moved here I was so self conscious of where I was in life. I still am, a bit. I have a bad habit of judging my timeline against others and I felt like other ESL teachers would take one look at me and judge me based on my age. But the thing that I have to remember is… I don’t look at other people and have that gut reaction to judge, so why do I assume they’re going to have one about me? 

For awhile turning 30 terrified me. It felt like a milestone I wasn’t ready to live up to. I do feel like I’ve released some of the pressure I used to put on myself to hit certain life milestones by specific points in my life. Even now thinking about the things I’ve untethered myself from, I feel lighter. Unfortunately my jaw still tightens at the mere thought of other people my age who have seemingly successful and lucrative careers. But I’m where I’m supposed to be right now. 

I’ve been feeling torn in a lot of areas of my life and haven’t really been able to find clarity on my own. Probably because the obvious answer isn’t the one I necessarily want to hear. 

I came to Budapest with a huge savings account that took me years to build. It feels stupid and frivolous to blow all that in one year.  But it also feels overly prudent to not allow myself to indulge. When I go back to New York I want to be able to afford my life there and I won’t be able to do that if I blow everything in a year. The last time I moved to New York I had $700  in my bank account and I had to work so incredibly hard to survive. I worked 7 days a week for months. The thought of having to go back to that life scares me. I don’t know if I could do that again. But then I remind myself I didn’t have the same connections I have now. A meditation I like to listen to says the rain always stops on its own. Things always work out. Maybe not in the way you want. But it will all be ok. 

Thoughts of the future make my stomach lurch mostly because I have no idea what it looks like, so we won’t talk about that right now. 

Theres so much I still want to do here. Now isn’t the time for caution. And I can’t sit at home every weekend in fear of what might happen in the future. After struggling with these anxieties, I finally decided that I deserve to have things to look forward to and booked a few trips. While I initially felt a wave of panic wash over me thinking about the money I’d spent, I also didn’t let myself run away with those thoughts. I am a capable adult. I work hard. I can take care of myself and it will all be ok. 

We did a lot while Alex was here and I got to play tourist. I think I needed reminding how much fun Budapest can be. Despite living here for only a few months I’d fallen into a bit of a rut with the places I’d been going. 

I plan to write about the itinerary I created for Alex’s visit so be on the look out for that! 

48 Hours in Munich

My Christmas break plans started at: Strasbourg to Salzburg to Munich to New York to Paris and kept getting shaved down until I had a 2 day trip to Munich planned before I flew to NYC for a week. I was still excited regardless of my changed plans as I was set to meet up with Caroline, one of my best and oldest friends, who is teaching English in France. 

The day I left didn’t start out great. For some reason I thought I bought a ticket out of the train station 5 minutes metro from me but upon looking at my ticket the morning of I had booked one out of the train station across town. 

I got on the subway only to be stopped by someone checking my validated ticket. I ended up having to get off the train because I THOUGHT I had brought my monthly pass but had left it at my apartment. 

I was so late for the train that I barreled through the station taking out an elderly man on a bike. Why was there an elderly man on a bike in a train station? I’ll answer that by simply saying Budapest.

I dove into the doors of the train’s first compartment as they were closing and got stuck. I wiggled enough to squeeze through.  After the ticket taker scolded me for how dangerous it was I doubled over and took a few minutes to catch my breath. 

I had jumped into the first class cabin so I had to hike it back to second class waiting until our first stop to switch cars on the platform. Once I was seated and my breath had been caught I settled in for a lovely ride through the alps. 

I had packed lots of food thinking the dining car would be closed. It wasn’t but I like burrowing into the little nest of wrappers and winter layers in my seat. 

I finally got to Munich and met Caroline at the train station. During our 5 minute walk to the hostel I was reminded of when I visited Munich years earlier on a backpacking trip. I had solely gone for Oktoberfest and truly the only parts of Munich I saw were the train station, the hostel and the Hofbrauhaus tent ( and the pharmacy a German teenager took me to when I woke up one morning with a swollen ankle and no memory of how I hurt it the day before). 

As we passed the hostel I had stayed at 7 years ago I remember being so disoriented after arriving on an overnight train that my friends and I got in a taxi to take us to the hostel. He argued with us its too close but we insisted, not really understanding. He rolled his eyes, drove us across the street, didn’t charge us and drove away undoubtedly muttering about stupid Americans. 

After settling in to our current hostel, Wombats Munich, it hit me that I probably shouldn’t have booked a hostel during COVID times. A large amount of people I know in New York were infected and the anxiety and fear was leaking into my life overseas. Not to mention Germany’s increased measures felt a bit… far- reaching and exploitive. Expensive PCR tests were required to go into any museum and many tourist spots. Not to mention the only masks allowed were the expensive FFP2 or N95 masks which were sold at a high markup. 

Normally when I’m traveling I keep my thoughts in my notes app and am able to translate that into a fully finished entry. But I really had no plans of writing about my experiences in Munich for  a few reasons. I had been once and hadn’t really felt any connection, I was drowning in worry about flying back to the US and the possibility of getting COVID before I could get on the plane thus getting stuck in quarantine in Germany. 

I was so pleasantly surprised by how much I loved Munich that I couldn’t help but piece together an entry expressing my newfound love for the Bavarian region. 

The former event planner in me wants to include the extremely detailed itinerary Caroline and I followed but there were so many missteps and changed plans because of required PCRs that I’ve decided to highlight the best parts of my 48 hours in Munich in no particular order. 

Free Walking Tours 

Any hostel worth it’s price ( in my case that price was 17 euros a night) is going to offer free walking tours of some kind. It might not be every day. And it might have a theme you’re not particularly interested in, but there will be something that give you a chance to see the city on a budget. 

 I ALWAYS suggest travelers check out any hostel’s free walking tours. Normally curated by an employee of the hostel and strategically ending at a local pub they offer a very particular view of the city. 

This walking tour was just a general glimpse of Munich’s history in no particular order. There were four other travelers, all American, who had joined the tour and we all quickly became friends spending the rest of our time in Munich together. 

This particular tour was led by a history student who worked the front desk at the hostel as well. 

We walked for about 2 hours covering churches made by the rich, made by the poor, the best markets and parks as well as fun eclectic stories. The tour also covered notable spots in the city  that were instrumental in the different wars and conflicts that had passed through Munich. I always find it interesting how each country frames their part in World War 2. The tour guide spoke about Germany-particularly Munich’s role in WW2 with alot of empathy and passion that really showed the courage of the people who were able to survive a totalitarian regime while still taking accountability for the country’s part in the atrocities.

Remember any free walking tour is never actually free. Always bring cash to tip the tour guide at the end. 

The original Hofbrauhaus

Sometimes when I travel I fixate on only visiting local pubs and avoid the “touristy” areas mostly so I’m not charged “tourist prices” but also so I can actually get a feel for the local culture. Despite it being a very “touristy” activity, I highly recommend carving out an afternoon or evening to visit Hofbrauhaus. You won’t be charged the tourist prices (unless you visit around Oktoberfest which is a completely unique experience outside of visiting Munich)  and the building, menu and atmosphere has retained the same Bavarian magic that you hope to encounter in any local pub. The seating is family style and the menu is short and simple with seasonal offerings. The original Hofbrauhaus is a 3 floor beer hall dating back to the 16th century. Renovations have of course been made over the years – the original didn’t have a bathroom and was men only but the building itself remains unmoved. Locals still go to Hofbrauhaus although I doubt as much as they used to when it first opened. To ensure that the popular beer hall still retains its local patrons they offer a “regulars program”- I don’t remember the official name. Once you become a regular and familiar with the staff you let them know you want to become part of the program and they give you a stein that is kept at the hall in a safe when not in use. This specific stein is passed down from generation to generation and is a huge marker of pride. 

Englischer Garten

I freaking love nature. I grew up at the foot of The Smoky Mountains and there is something so comforting in finding a serene park in a city that is foreign to you. The Englischer Garten (or English Garden) is so big it extends all the way outside of Munich city limits. It had an entrance in the square where our tour ended. There were a few things in the park that we wanted to see. The first being a surfing park and the second being a Chinese Tower that featured a beer garden and live music. Both were closed when we went looking for them but the views were absolutely gorgeous. We only walked a super small portion of the park, not stopping to see the other beer gardens, renaissance themed gardens, or the numerous ponds that offer rental boats in warmer weather. 

Viktualienmarkt

While I was a bit devastated that I would not get to experience a German Christmas Market during this trip, I did hear that there were small outside markets still operating. The tour guide from our free walking tour lead us through this market quickly and encouraged us to come back with more time. He pointed out two places specifically. The first was Der Oko-Bauernbrot- Specializt- a small unassuming looking bakery that he said was a local favorite. The second was a small tent that was one one of the oldest soup restaurants in Munich. The other tents in the market offered fresh produce, meat, cheese, Christmas gifts, souvenirs, and even spiced gin. The most important, of course, was mulled wine and beer along with a large sitting area to enjoy it. 

I can definitely confirm the bakery offers the best freshest pastries after I bought a few different flavored croissants for a few euros each and wandered the market after filling up on Goulash Stew at the soup kitchen. 

The market also featured fountains with clean constantly flowing water straight from the alps and statues can be found throughout. With so many options for small bites the market is the perfect place to pop in for a snack and rest in between sight-seeing. 

Augustiner

Augustiner-Bräu is a brewery local to Munich. I visited the brewery which has a restaurant with a hunting lodge feel with the new friends I made on the walking tour. We were a group of six and were sat at a large table in a side room squished so close to neighboring tables it felt like we were all at the same holiday party. It was a bit of a walk from the hostel and felt like it was in a part of Munich that was a bit more residential than the city center where we stayed. Inside there was a full menu with huge plates of different meat I can’t really pronounce but it all looked amazing. I got a plate of six sausages and sauerkraut along with a pint of the house lager. Outside and around the building,  you can order beer from a small wooden shack while sitting around campfires interspersed around the grounds. There’s a waist-high pile of wood chopped for guests to tend their own fires. There were also little cabins that looked like they fit about 12 people each that you could reserve. If there were no reservations they were letting guests use them but with only 90 minutes until curfew, they were shutting them down for the night. There were long lanes that resembled bowling lanes except the wood panels were replaced with ice. It seemed like guests moved around them as you would pool tables at a dive bar reserving their spot with the bartender and moving in to play when it was their turn. 

Augustiner also had a smaller restaurant closer to the city center that we visited. It had a larger menu along with Christmas themed drinks. Having reached my fill of beer I got hot wine with orange peels and a Christmas themed meal of venison meatballs, cranberry orange jelly, spatzle, and mushrooms in a creamy sauce. It was so insanely good I unhinged my jaw and inhaled it all in a few bites. 

Neuschwanstein Castle 

I like to pride myself in being able to figure things out on my own. Maybe a part of me could learn to start being a bit more open to help from others but theres a specific pride in facing a problem that seems insurmountable and finally coming up with a solution. 

Figuring out all the rules and how to get to Neuschwanstein humbled me to a new level and reminded me that at the end of the day I am just a clueless little tourist who needs her dumb guidebook! 

Neuschwanstein which literally translates to “New Swan Stone” is famous in many circles as the castle in which Disney animators drew inspiration from when designing Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella’s castles. It was designed and built by King Ludwig II who I personally fell in love with during my short trip. I heard multiple stories from different tour guides and read placards about how mad he was, how in love with Richard Wagner he was, how weird his childhood was, and ultimately how he really just wanted to design and build pretty castles all over Bavaria despite his family’s quickly diminishing funds (and his own diminishing sanity). He died under very mysterious circumstances but the people of Bavaria seemed to love him. If you are at all interested in learning more about him I highly suggest checking out Dana Schwartz’s podcast Noble Blood, specifically the episode titled The Swan King Went Mad. It is *chefs kiss* if you want to feel like you’re gossiping with a fellow courtier about all the drama that went down with a royal that died over 200 years ago… but I digress. 

Whether you believe that King Ludwig was actually mad or just a visionary with taste that went beyond his time period, he really couldn’t have picked a more beautiful location for his castle. 

Neushwanstein had been closed completely for most of the pandemic so when they reopened their ticketing website Caroline and I rushed to buy tickets as soon as possible. Apparently so did all of Europe and the website kept crashing. Finally, we were able to purchase tickets for 10am. Our triumph was short-lived when we realized it would take us almost 4 hours to get there on our own. Determined to go, we planned to just wake up early and be tired. 

Thankfully 2 of the fellow travelers we befriended on our hostel walking tour found a guided tour with Radius Tours starting at 9am and ending at 7pm that included transportation, info about the area, and tickets to the castle. We decided to ditch our plan to leave Munich at an ungodly hour and join the tour.

If you are planning a visit, an N95 or FFP2 mask is required as well as a vax card and a negative rapid test from 24 hours ago or less. There is a pharmacy at the foot of the path leading up to the castle that charges 15 euros and provides results in an hour, however an appointment is encouraged. 

To get to Neuschwanstein you must first take a train to Füssen which is about 90 minutes express or a little over 2 hours local. Then you must board a bus- private if you go with a tour or local if you decide to go on your own. The local buses looked like they ran about every hour but the schedules weren’t posted anywhere online. After arriving in Hohenschwangau, the village that sits below the castle, we walked around a bit and got lunch before starting the 45 minute hike straight up to the castle. 

The castle’s website makes it very clear- they are not stroller friendly and if you can’t make the hike then don’t plan on coming. There are horse drawn carriages you can book to take you up but it looked like 2 carriages left once every hour and if you missed it, you missed it. Security is extreme and you’re not able to take in anything larger than a small backpack. The staff at the castle is just as helpful and welcoming. I do count myself extremely lucky that I got to go. During non-covid times the castle apparently can do the same numbers as Disney. In one day they are now doing the amount of people they used to have in one hour so I understand the staff’s restlessness. There were only about 15 people on my tour and I could move around each room while still feeling like I was able to distance. 

Despite these strict guidelines, the visit was extremely enjoyable and didn’t feel stressful- especially with the tour we booked. The hike up provided unreal views of the town and mountains. Visibility was not that great as it was snowing on and off all day. 

Once you reach the top of the mountain, theres a small cafe, a few souvenir shops and 1 bed and breakfast that looked like it hadn’t seen a guest in years. 

Our tour guide was able to take us up to a gorgeous lookout point about 10 minutes away from the castle but wasn’t allowed beyond without a ticket.

You are highly recommended to show up to the castle’s gates 10 minutes before. Your ticket has a barcode  that once you get through security, you scan to get in to the courtyard. Then theres a digital clock above a row of gates that tells you when you can scan your ticket to go into the actual castle. Even though the castle is huge it was never fully finished and hasn’t been restored in years. Once you scan yourself in through the 2nd gate you are greeted inside where you show your vax card and negative test. Then you are rushed upstairs. You are given an audio listening guide that starts promptly at your start time whether it’s in your hand or not. A “tour guide” walks you through each room but they’re not really there to give the tour- just make sure you don’t take any pictures and don’t wander off as you listen to the audio guide.  There is only a very small part of the castle to actually see. 

I would say the tour wasn’t very well-curated but the castle itself is something out of a fever dream so there really isn’t an option to curate any type of through line. You’re led through dancing halls that were never meant to host balls- solely built for Ludwig to dance on his own, into a man made grotto meant to look like an underground haunted cave, and the Kings’ bedroom featuring a bed frame that took 16 years to carve. The best part of the tour was the view of the alps from the balconies- one of the only places you’re allowed to take pictures. You exit through the castle’s kitchen on to a completely different part of the mountain from where you entered. 

The hike down was just as enjoyable and scenic and we found ourselves with a little bit of time in town so we browsed a few souvenir shops and got more mulled wine at a cafe to warm up. 

The trip back was a bit longer as we had to wait for a bus transfer and take a local train. 

If you plan to go on your own without a tour and if you are able to, I highly suggest staying in Füssen for the night before taking the bus to Hohenschwangau. This will ensure an early entry time to the castle leaving the rest of your day free to explore the town without a daunting hike ahead of you and give you a closer home-base after a long day. I didn’t get to see anything more than the train station and the road leading up to the castle but our tour guide assured us that Füssen was an incredibly romantic and eclectic little town worth the detour. From the little I saw I would have to agree and can’t wait to go back. 

Before I knew it, my time in Munich was gone and I found myself wanting a few more days. I did have a realization in Munich that I’m not the same traveler I was in my 20’s. I am 30- almost 31 which doesn’t seem that far away from my 20’s but it feels like a lifetime away from sleeping in hostel rooms of 16 people and taking part in pub crawls that end at 6am. A lifetime away from attending the free breakfast at the hostel just so I can stuff my purse full of free bread to sustain me until I find a cheap gyro shop for dinner. 

I don’t have to do those things anymore. I can afford to spend an extra few bucks on breakfast  and the other things that felt too opulent to allow myself before. And even though I have the most wonderful memories from those experiences, that’s what they are- memories. And it is kind of nice to know that I never have to deal with locking my valuables in a locker and the fear that you’ll wake up to the sound of two people making out in the bed next to you. 

It felt nice to end my trip to Munich feeling like I’d closed a chapter on how I used to travel.  

When I inevitably win a million dollars and can dedicate my life to travel, I will absolutely go back to Munich and allow myself a few more days to really settle in and mix the well-known tourist spots with the lesser known gems that Munich offers. 

If you made it through this whole entry and still want to see more you can check out my instagram for a few pictures of my Munich trip!

Anxiety

When I first started this blog I had great dreams of it becoming a little pocket of the internet where I could offer a luxurious look into life in a foreign country with some fun teaching and travel stories thrown in. 

But today I’ve decided to talk about my crippling anxiety so obviously we’re veering in a new direction! 

I’ve been having a hard time lately differentiating between trusting my gut and allowing my anxieties to overrun my life. Mostly because a lot of the things I had been most anxious about came true recently.

I remember my first panic attack very well. The second and third and fourth and fifth not so much. But the first one, I remember everything. I was 11 and sitting in my moms minivan. I was wearing jean overall shorts with tweety bird embroidered on the front pocket and a neon green scrunchie that really downplayed how ratty my hair was. 

I had won a poetry contest. We were in the parking lot of Ijams Nature Center where I was to read my award winning poem to over 100 students. It was about how water brought life but also takes on a life of its own. Starting in a small puddle evaporating into the sky, falling down into a stream flowing to an ocean. I was so proud. And so excited. 

But as we sat in the van watching the busloads of kids walking into the center my heart suddenly felt like it was wiggling loose of my body. And my mouth became so dry I could barely even open it. And anytime I tried to say anything at all my brain couldn’t pick a word to begin with. I didn’t have stage fright. I had no problem getting up in front of people to dance or act or simply speak. This panic felt deeper. Like it was coming from inside. Like it was this root corkscrewing through my entire being. 

After a few minutes of wordless gasping I was able to take a sip of Dr. Pepper from the Arby’s I had gotten for lunch and talked myself into going inside. Shakily. But I did end up walking in and reading my poem. 

It was different now, though. My brain had started concocting all these possible scenarios that I would have never dreamed of before. About the kids laughing at me. About the Nature Center making a mistake and I hadn’t really won. About them accusing me of plagiarism. 

And whatever bright light from the joy and excitement and pride I had from winning the poetry contest felt dimmed. 

Needless to say I survived and it was fine. Like it always is. 

I had so much anxiety about moving abroad. I don’t let my anxiety control my life as much anymore. I let myself feel the worry but I don’t let it hijack my entire being. Its still there but it just exists as a quiet hum in the back of my mind. Like a shoddy light fixture in your office with  a constant buzz you learn to tune out (because if you don’t learn to tune it out you’ll develop a crippling migraine so what choice do you have). 

I’ve gotten pretty okay at talking myself out of full blown panic attacks. I write or voice my concerns and once I’ve done that, it’s normally easy to see that my anxieties are irrational. Or they’re easily fixable. 

I had alot of anxiety about traveling back to New York over Christmas as well so I almost felt a certain kind of relief as I watched my plans crumble. I was so worried for so long at the possibility of COVID canceling my plans and flights. How would I react? Would I dissolve into tears? Would I black out in rage and scream and then someone would film me and I would go viral for being insane? Would I just decide not to deal with it and start a new life in whatever city I get stranded in? Probably. 

I get even more anxiety thinking about how other people will react. At the end of the day I know I can control myself but I have no control over other people. What if theres a crazy person on the flight who freaks out when its canceled and starts screaming and is mean to the gate agent and then a police officer has to come over. What if they refuse to put their mask on. What if, What if, What if. 

But the problem with alot of the anxieties that sent me into a worry spiral of possible conflicts is that they pretty much all happened. 

I had multiple flight cancellations. There was a man on one of my flights that was so heinous. He refused to put his mask on and verbally abused his wife the whole time. He called her a useless bitch, a fat cow. Their kids just watched and laughed. She brushed it all off and continued to organize all their snacks and tablets and all the other thankless jobs no one realized she was doing for them. I hate witnessing things like that. It makes me so incredibly pissed that I know people like that won’t ever face proper punishment and they feel justified in their actions. IT DRIVES ME INSANE. 

But I have to let it go. I can’t control other people. ( If I could, I would have made him apologize to his wife and then go to the bathroom and drink water from the toilets, specifically that one toilet that’s always out of order in a public bathroom). 

Anyway, I handled it all fine. As I knew I most likely would. I found the rebooking desk both times my flight was canceled. I handled the 24 hour travel days by sleeping extra when I got to my destinations. I took lots of deep breaths and listened to the hours of podcasts I had downloaded specifically for this reason. I walked away from the heinous man. I took lots of COVID self tests. It was all fine. Like it always is. 

I still have anxiety to the point of handicapping me sometimes. I still wake up some mornings with an unexplainable feeling of dread that cements me to my bed. And some days I let it win. I lie in bed all day and eat nothing but a bag of chips and watch reruns of shows I’ve seen a million times and struggle to do simple tasks even like brush my teeth or pour myself a glass of water ( it just takes such a long time standing at the faucet and I get so bored). 

I have coping skills now to pull myself out of these phases and I don’t punish myself anymore for the lack of work or effort. I hold myself to different standards and don’t take it all so seriously. 

I do have a point in sharing these feelings on what is supposed to be a travel blog. 

I used to feel like if I could just hit a certain moment or milestone then my anxiety would quiet down and I could finally start living my life.

If I could just do my Eurorail trip. If I could just book the lead in the play. If I could just move out of the South. If I get a job in the arts. If I could just get a job that pays all my bills. 

Finally, at a certain point, after I had done a few full 180s trying to figure myself out, I had to accept that maybe it wasn’t external factors causing the blind panic that still plagued me. I’d have to start looking inward- which honestly sounded like a lot of work that I wasn’t really willing to do right away. So I didn’t. Until I did. And it was really fucking hard. It dug up more shit than I’m willing to admit but I’ve climbed that mountain and I’ve come down the other side and its something I don’t have to do again. 

Without the work I’ve done in the last 6 years or so I would have viewed moving to Budapest as THE solution to my unhappiness with my current life. I do see it as the cure for my restlessness and a great way to put me on a new path. However, it’s not the ONLY thing that’s going to help me continue moving forward. And if I hadn’t been able to move here or was suddenly forced to leave, that wouldn’t send me on a spiral of what ifs and a halt in my progress. 

I was going to end this with a sappy paragraph about how happy I am that I’m here (in Budapest and on Earth)  but I feel like I’ve maybe used up all the sentimental and earnest thoughts I’ve designated for the public. So I’d like to end this post by saying I do have plans to share my experiences in Munich so please don’t give up on this blog if this wasn’t your usual read. 

The Frustration Stage

I was reading an article the other day about culture shock. The first stage is the honeymoon stage. Everything is new and fresh and exciting and none of the inconveniences of moving to a new place matter. Then comes the frustration stage, adjustments and finally acceptance. 

I was reading the article with a private student who wants to improve her conversational english. When we got to the paragraph about frustration I had her read out the symptoms of irritability and hostility. Suddenly my bad mood the past few weeks made sense. The weekend before I had woken up and didn’t have any more coffee. So I pulled on my layers and layers ( and layers) to go out. The idea of going to a local Hungarian coffee shop for some reason made my mouth turn dry. I just didn’t have the patience or energy to attempt to blend in as a local. I needed Starbucks. So I lumbered over to the closest location in a mall and ordered an iced coffee and a croissant 

What I got was an iced americano and a block of ice that once chipped away might resemble a piece of bread. When I tried to explain that I wanted an iced coffee the barista rolled her eyes. This is iced coffee. Normally I would let it go. But for some reason I just… really needed my Starbucks iced coffee. 

No. This is two shots of espresso pulled over ice with water added. Thats an americano… Do you have coffee that’s been brewed to be iced? Like… coffee but its over ice. 

They looked at me like I was insane. Maybe because it was 30 degrees outside. Maybe because it doesn’t really seem like thats a thing in Hungary. Maybe because at this point I was foaming at the mouth. Who’s to say.

After I conceded and took the americano, I walked back to my apartment kicking myself. Why did I have the knee jerk reaction to argue? What is the matter with me? Of course coffee in Budapest is going to be different from coffee in New York. 

It was like I blacked out and became the jean shorts & fanny pack wearing American tourist of my nightmares. 

A few days later I had another hissy fit that I wish I could take back. When riding the subway in Budapest, everything is on the honor system. Before walking down to the platform you have to validate your ticket. Someone might check. Someone might not. I validated my ticket, ran down to the platform, and missed my first train. The next one was coming in 2 minutes. Which meant I would have approximately 90 seconds to run for my bus once getting off the subway at the last stop. Once getting on the train a man walked up and asked me something in Hungarian. Finally I understood he needed to check my ticket. It was validated. Fine. About 30 seconds later another man walked up to me. Again he checked my ticket. I’d thrown it in my bag and couldn’t find it. I had to empty my whole bag of lesson plans, earbuds, chapsticks, empty candy wrappers just to show him the crumpled ticket that I had just pulled out 30 seconds earlier. I was fuming. Stupid fucking Budapest. Stupid fucking system. Did I  *look* like I had time to pull out my ticket and show it was validated?! I mean disregard the fact that I was on a moving train with nothing else to do but how dare they disrupt my morning!

Then as I exited the train ready to sprint for my bus, there stood a line of surly looking Hungarian men blocking the stairs up to the bus stop. I had to show my ticket again. HOW. FUCKING. STUPID. I tried to hurry past them. 

They stopped me and again an evil gremlin that had been latent until this moment decided to show herself and I shouted 

“I’ve shown it twice now. I’m not showing it again. Get out of the way!” And ran around them. 

Once I got on the bus I realized what I’d done and cowered. What the hell was the matter with me?! 

I could keep providing story after story detailing how my irritation and hostility have gotten the best of me but I’ll stop there- mostly so I don’t paint an accurate picture of what a monster I can be. But also because I’m trying to allow myself some grace. 

Trying to compare the life I lived in New York and the life that I live now in Budapest would be like walking into an authentic Chinese restaurant and getting annoyed that they’re not serving burgers and fries. I didn’t come to Budapest so I could have the same life that I did in NY and I knew that coming here to experience the good also meant I was going to have bad days. 

There are some things that are the same. I wake up. Normally too late to make coffee. I pull myself out of bed grumbling. Barely make the train. Barely make the bus. Go to work. Come home. Briefly consider doing something with my night. Mindlessly watch reruns of something until I fall asleep too late. But in other ways everything is almost too different to even start comparing. 

Theres also other challenges I’ve faced since coming here that dull the rose tinted glasses of the honeymoon phase. I’m facing the same problem I’ve always faced when teaching kids a second language. There is an incredibly unfounded opinion that teaching kids English (or any second language) is harmful to their development and impedes their learning in their first language. This is of course completely inaccurate. Learning a new language opens your mind and lengthens your world view. With the knowledge that another language exists comes knowledge of that culture. To purposefully stop exposure of other languages and cultures not only impedes a child’s learning  but also in layman terms is laying the groundwork for your kid to be kind of clueless about the world around them. 

Obviously the animosity I’ve encountered towards learning English comes from a deeper problem and Hungary isn’t the first place I’ve encountered it. I would love to write about the current political situation in Hungary but I do think that opinions formed from reading information and observing a situation from afar are different than opinions formed from lived experience. 

I’m lucky that no one I directly work with at the school holds this belief but there are people I encounter that do and it’s frustrating that I can’t adequately defend myself. I’ve definitely learned as of late that sometimes it’s ok to not have your opinion out in the universe. Sometimes simply feeling solid in your beliefs is enough. I don’t need to win every argument or justify my political opinions to make them real. 

So as I prepare to leave Budapest for a week to see my boyfriend and family in New York, here are the things that I really do love about Budapest. 

Transportation

The amount of public transportation here was the first thing I fell in love with. There’s trams and underground subways – some remnants of the communists, some more recent additions needed as the city grew. There’s also local buses and easily accessible buses to take you outside of Budapest. On top of all those options there’s 2 train stations where you can get a train to really anywhere in Europe. 

My first few days in Budapest, I wandered the city on foot-one because it was all so new and I wanted to be as close as possible to everything- but also because I was apprehensive. I’ve been burned by public transit before. The New York City MTA owes me emotional compensation in the balance of about a million dollars its ruined my day so many times. 

So my first few outings where I decided to use public transit here I allowed AMPLE time in case a driver quit in the middle of his route, or someone jumped on the tracks, or a knife fight broke out and everyone had to evacuate ( all things I experienced in the month leading up to my departure from New York) 

None of those things happened. The subways and trams and buses all came right when they were supposed to and I never experienced anything out of the ordinary during my rides.

Everything is so easy to figure out as well. It probably helps that Budapest isn’t that big.Theres 4 subway lines that all intersect with each other and the many above ground tram lines. Its all intuitive and getting from one side of the city to the other is extremely easy.  

Fashion

I came here with a pretty scarce wardrobe. It might not seem like it considering my suitcase busted open at the airport causing a delay in my entire plane’s luggage but we’re not talking about that right now ok. 

Sometimes I feel like I view collecting clothes like some people collect art. I have a bad habit of buying something because its pretty to look at and not because its something I’ll be able to use. I was able to let go of a lot of those pieces before coming here. 

I didn’t really know what I would need beyond the basics. Its kind of funny to even think about it now considering most people just look at my face and start speaking to me in English but I didn’t want to bring too many pieces that would scream American.

One of my favorite things to do is go to a thrift store and browse while listening to an audio book. Its like comfort food for my brain. Whenever I travel anywhere I make a point to make time for clothes shopping if I can and I knew the clothes that I bought here would just as special if not more than any souvenirs I leave with. 

I wouldn’t say that Hungary’s fashion is necessarily “behind” America’s. I would say it’s simply on a different path. A path that I am definitely enjoying exploring.

There are a lot of trends in America that either make me look like a pregnant oompa loompa with a hunchback or a Shakespearean page boy- just absolutely flat on all sides. 

There’s still trends here that don’t suit me but I do feel like the fashion is really in line with that works with my body. 

I’ve been able to find some absolute gems while thrifting and I’ve really built my closet into something where I know I’ll be set for any occasion. ( Although I do really want to go to a ball in Vienna once the season starts and I have yet to find a suitable gown). 

I love walking around vintage stores just as much as thrifting and have found some treasures ( like an Hermès jacket for roughly $90. It was an insane find but I’m a kindergarten teacher. What the fuck am I going to do with an Hermès jacket.)

I haven’t found anything in the vintage stores that I can justify purchasing yet but just like anywhere, the vintage shops here are great opportunities to take a little peek into the past lives of the locals. 

Prices- 

With the exchange rate from dollars to forints the American money I saved has gone really far. Which is great because honestly I didn’t save as much as I should have. 

A monthly public transit pass for unlimited tram, subway, bus in Budapest as well as a 10 km border is 19k forints or about $60. I use that one because the school where I teach is right outside Budapest city limits but if I just wanted to buy a one time bus ticket I could buy it from the driver for 450 forints which is about $1.50. 

I will say there are some things here that are just as pricey as they are in America. Which hurts even more considering I don’t have an American salary. Alot of non-Hungarian food is priced similarly to American prices. Sushi for example- is around €4500 for 2 rolls which is around $15. If anything thats just motivated me to stick to local businesses.  

My weekly grocery trip generally costs around 7000 forints which is about $20. 

Population

There are about 10 million people that live in the entire country of Hungary. Considering that 8 million people live in New York City alone, social distancing is a lot easier here. Sound pollution isn’t a thing and when I’m in my apartment at night it’s super rare that I would hear a car alarm or horn going off. It’s quiet and I’ve come to really appreciate it. 

Covid Protocols

I’ve noticed theres a level of respect that people hold for each other here. Theres no playing loud music on your phone in public. Theres no shoving past each other to get on the train ( people look at me like I’m insane when I’m running late and have to do this). Theres a lot of patience. 

This has extended to mask wearing and social distancing. When I arrived there weren’t any mask mandates but they were reinstated around the time school started again. There were people that were angry about it but they still wore masks. It was enforced by public transit workers but I never saw anyone fighting with them. People just get over it and wore their fucking masks. It was a great way to show that there were strangers invested in each other’s personal health and guess what?! The world didn’t stop turning. Groundbreaking,I know. 

Food

I feel like its a bit redundant to gush about all the food here by simply saying ‘It’s just so Eastern European!’ but getting to try all the local food here has really been amazing. I was taken aback at first by how quickly the fresh food I bought would go bad. Everythings so fresh and local here which is great but also that means if I buy a tomato I really need to be prepared to cook that tomato in the very near future. 

Theres grocery stores but theres also plenty of farmers markets where you can buy fresh produce, meat, honey, and dried goods from locals at their stalls. 

With how fresh everything is I’m not surprised that there is a huge emphasis on natural remedies. I’ve had a variation of a cold for pretty much the entire time I’ve been here. My immune system is in shambles and I work with kids who still think I’m just being so silly when I tell them to please stop licking the table. I have started taking vitamins, herbal teas, and homemade remedies  that I feel like are helping the overall issue. I do still miss American doctors who would just shove antibiotics at the problem, though. 

Its getting harder and harder to romanticize moving to Budapest like I used to but I think thats a good thing. I was so disgusted with my current life in New York that anything different seemed like a fairy tale. I needed quiet and tranquility and less stress. I needed to stop dealing with roommates and landlords and the constant hustle that is needed to survive in a city where 8 million people are crammed on top of each other. Reality has set in and I’m reminded that there are some things in life in which you just can’t escape. No matter where you go, there will be days where you don’t feel like getting out of bed despite the fact that there are groceries that need to be bought and laundry that needs to be done. And unless I somehow transform into a hotel heiress with unlimited free hotel rooms ( something I’m still banking on), I’m always going to have a landlord and an apartment or house that sometimes needs attending to.

I’m finishing all this on a train to Munich trying to piece together all my half thoughts I recorded in my notes app over the last week. As I went about my week I really tried to redirect any negative thoughts I felt and think about what I like about living here. I have a tickle in my throat and everytime I try to clear it theres a woman in a hazmat suit sitting across from me shooting daggers with her eyes. I’m resisting the urge to tell her she chose to ride on a public train and that first class private cabins were available to purchase when she bought her ticket. I made the sort of somewhat last minute decision to go back to New York for Christmas. That was before their infection rate tripled and now I feel a bit like I’m flying into a big pot of boiling water and just hoping I don’t get burned. Most of my friends have COVID so I won’t really be seeing anyone. Regardless I’m going to try and enjoy my time with Dan and my family. And if the only thing I get to do for the 10 days I’m there is wander the streets and sit in my boyfriend’s midtown apartment people watching out the window, then fine. Thats how I’ll be spending my break. 

I’m really hopeful that I’ll be able to experience more in the spring but theres talk of schools shutting down again and another lockdown. I’m not going to get ahead of myself and worry about something that hasn’t happened yet but it is hard to make plans that you can look forward to when COVID is always looming in the corner. 

I don’t want to end all this on a negative thought but sometimes its not possible to be cheery and upbeat all the time. So I’ll just say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. On to 2022! 

But.. Why Budapest?

It has become a bit of a joke since settling here. Upon meeting a native Hungarian, how long will it take them to ask me with complete disbelief in their voice, “… so why did you choose Budapest?”.

The underlying connotation is always the same. ‘Seriously? Out of all the places you could have gone, you chose this dump?’

I DO NOT think of Budapest as the depressing chunk of concrete that some locals I’ve spoken to make it out to be but I do understand the incredulity. Budapest still has very real reminders of it’s past.  

While I don’t necessarily feel the need to justify why I decided to come to Budapest, these insistent questions have left me wondering if I have a concrete answer as to why I decided to come here as opposed to other cities.

One of the final deciding factors  (after many other reasons meant for another post entirely) was how Hungary was handling COVID at the time I was applying. Their vaccination rate was high and the infection rate was generally low. 

In March 2021, things started looking up and a very real solid end felt like it was in sight. 

Of course that all seems like naive thinking now as Hungary is now entering it’s fourth official wave, Austria has gone into a 10 day lockdown and restrictions all over Europe are tightening. 

I know its absolute INSANE behavior to complain about how COVID protocols are affecting me but its just like… I did everything right. I got vaxxed. I masked. I social distanced. And then after a horrific year and a half I decided to make a big change and move abroad and try and kickstart my life again and now because anti vaxxers and things completely out of my control I’m not able to have the experience I wanted- or atleast have that experience safely.

 I actually have been working a lot lately on managing my expectations. I can move forward with something and hope that it turns out a certain way but I used to absolutely marry myself to an outcome. I would go into a situation with a concrete idea of exactly how things would turn out. And I was always disappointed. Therapy really helped me realize that I was setting myself up for failure in that regard. Now, I attempt to approach new experiences knowing that the outcome will most likely differ from the idyllic version I have in my head. 

So I am trying to approach this year with that same flexibility. But its hard. And part of me wants to stamp my foot and cross my arms and whine. Part of me wants to walk up to all the anti vaxxers and say “Hi. Its really unfortunate that you do not have the mental capacity to understand this situation. Its also super sad that you’re so selfish you’d rather maintain a semblance of what you have confused for liberty rather than act in the interest of the greater good. You are unequivocally a bad person!”

But of course I can’t say any of that! So I won’t!

Instead I will let myself wallow for a bit. Sometimes I want to mourn for the life I will never lead again. For the chapter I was writing that was abruptly closed against my will. But it is completely useless to reflect on the imaginary paths that might have been. 

After my self pitying has reached a level of dramatics even I didn’t know was possible, I focus on what I can experience while here.

I think alot of my anxiety about maintaining a picture perfect reflection of the experience I have in mind comes from the fear of wasting my time here. I want to squeeze all I can out of living abroad. And if I miss an opportunity to experience something new then what am I even doing here?!

I know this thinking isn’t helpful. So I’m forcing myself to slow down and be present. Forcing myself to stop looking so far into the futuristic world of what-ifs that I don’t enjoy the present

I am so incredibly lucky I chose Budapest. The expat community has been SO welcoming. And I’ve made friends. I find myself checking google maps less and less when I wander. And I even know which hotels have the best bathrooms in their lobbies. If that doesn’t make me an expert then I don’t know what will. 

I have booked a few trips to different Christmas Markets and I really hope that it all works out. But if it doesn’t, something else will. If you don’t see instagram pictures of me sloshed off mulled wine at a German Christmas Market just assume I’m stewing in my amazing apartment trying desperately to live in the moment.

Updates & Overshares

I guess this blog will just be a monthly thing? I spent the entirety of lockdown journaling every thought that crossed my mind and suddenly I’m here in Budapest and I can’t find the time or mental energy to sit down for 10 minutes. During lockdown I could almost physically feel any thought I tried to internalize bubbling up and trying to burst out of me. 


Last time I wrote, I mentioned how sick I had been. I would like to note that I am still sick. Yes, still. Not again. But still.


I started feeling sick right before I went to Austria with a sick stomach and a stuffy nose. The stuffy nose evolved into a sinus infection that made me feel like someone had blown a balloon up in my head and clogged my ears with cotton balls.
The sinus infection moved down to my lungs. After weeks and weeks of different medicine I’ve decided this is just how I exist now. With a stuffy nose and a cough that makes people inch away from me on the metro platform.

I’ve started making friends here and I’m starting to feel a sense of community. When I first decided to move to Budapest it was somewhat of an open-ended plan. I knew I would go for the year but I was also confident that if I wanted to stay in Europe I could figure it out. And why wouldn’t I want to stay? 
But then I met Dan.
Well actually I met Dan before the pandemic even started. We met at a mutual friends engagement party 2 weeks before the city shut down for a “2 week quarantine”. The first thing we talked about was renting books from the library and reverting back to our childhoods by rereading old books we used to love. I thought he was cute and he thought I was too but you can forgive us if in March 2020 we had other things on our minds.

A year later, as I was in the middle stages of applying for teaching positions overseas, we reconnected. What did it matter if we went on a few dates? Summer was coming and the city was reopening. It would be fun to have a fling before I moved overseas.

After our second date, the torment began. I knew for sure I was going to Budapest around our 3rd date and told him everything. We decided to just keep hanging out. I told him I thought it was pointless to stop seeing each other over something that might happen. We had the whole summer. Things might fizzle out naturally. 
6 months later I just dropped him off at the airport where I cried so hard saying goodbye to him I snotted in my mask prompting everyone in the near vicinity to assume I was in pain.Part of me felt like I should have gone abroad single. I wanted my whole heart to exist in Budapest. I wanted all my chapters in New York closed. I didn’t want anything tethering me anywhere. But if this is where I find myself in life- with a boyfriend and also moving abroad- I don’t think I should have to pick and choose which parts I get to enjoy.


I never want to be the type of person who bases my life decisions around anyone else- especially a romantic interest. I’ve always been aggressively independent. I like doing things by myself. I like going to a bar, sitting with a book, and people watching while I sip a cocktail by myself.
I like traveling by myself. I can move at my own pace. I only spend time at the sites I want to see.
I do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it and I don’t get called selfish because I have no one counting on me.
I think sometimes it’s a defense mechanism though. If I choose to be alone then I won’t feel lonely when I see groups of friends out together. If I’m not leaning on someone else when they leave I won’t feel lost. If I only rely on myself when something goes wrong, it’s only me to blame and that’s ok. If I rely on someone else and things go wrong, then it’s not only my problem but I also have this other person to worry about too.

I could probably write a lot more about those feelings but instead of over-thinking them and trying to intellectualize everything, I’ve been acknowledging the feelings and letting myself sit with the fear of losing my independence. Because the fear will remain that- a fear- as long as I don’t let it become anything else. 

So that’s what I’ve been dealing with and I don’t know if I will ever reach a point where I’m able to find an equilibrium between my independent life and accepting other people in. But when/ if I do you can bet your ass I’ll be monetizing on that shit.