But.. Why Budapest?

It has become a bit of a joke since settling here. Upon meeting a native Hungarian, how long will it take them to ask me with complete disbelief in their voice, “… so why did you choose Budapest?”.

The underlying connotation is always the same. ‘Seriously? Out of all the places you could have gone, you chose this dump?’

I DO NOT think of Budapest as the depressing chunk of concrete that some locals I’ve spoken to make it out to be but I do understand the incredulity. Budapest still has very real reminders of it’s past.  

While I don’t necessarily feel the need to justify why I decided to come to Budapest, these insistent questions have left me wondering if I have a concrete answer as to why I decided to come here as opposed to other cities.

One of the final deciding factors  (after many other reasons meant for another post entirely) was how Hungary was handling COVID at the time I was applying. Their vaccination rate was high and the infection rate was generally low. 

In March 2021, things started looking up and a very real solid end felt like it was in sight. 

Of course that all seems like naive thinking now as Hungary is now entering it’s fourth official wave, Austria has gone into a 10 day lockdown and restrictions all over Europe are tightening. 

I know its absolute INSANE behavior to complain about how COVID protocols are affecting me but its just like… I did everything right. I got vaxxed. I masked. I social distanced. And then after a horrific year and a half I decided to make a big change and move abroad and try and kickstart my life again and now because anti vaxxers and things completely out of my control I’m not able to have the experience I wanted- or atleast have that experience safely.

 I actually have been working a lot lately on managing my expectations. I can move forward with something and hope that it turns out a certain way but I used to absolutely marry myself to an outcome. I would go into a situation with a concrete idea of exactly how things would turn out. And I was always disappointed. Therapy really helped me realize that I was setting myself up for failure in that regard. Now, I attempt to approach new experiences knowing that the outcome will most likely differ from the idyllic version I have in my head. 

So I am trying to approach this year with that same flexibility. But its hard. And part of me wants to stamp my foot and cross my arms and whine. Part of me wants to walk up to all the anti vaxxers and say “Hi. Its really unfortunate that you do not have the mental capacity to understand this situation. Its also super sad that you’re so selfish you’d rather maintain a semblance of what you have confused for liberty rather than act in the interest of the greater good. You are unequivocally a bad person!”

But of course I can’t say any of that! So I won’t!

Instead I will let myself wallow for a bit. Sometimes I want to mourn for the life I will never lead again. For the chapter I was writing that was abruptly closed against my will. But it is completely useless to reflect on the imaginary paths that might have been. 

After my self pitying has reached a level of dramatics even I didn’t know was possible, I focus on what I can experience while here.

I think alot of my anxiety about maintaining a picture perfect reflection of the experience I have in mind comes from the fear of wasting my time here. I want to squeeze all I can out of living abroad. And if I miss an opportunity to experience something new then what am I even doing here?!

I know this thinking isn’t helpful. So I’m forcing myself to slow down and be present. Forcing myself to stop looking so far into the futuristic world of what-ifs that I don’t enjoy the present

I am so incredibly lucky I chose Budapest. The expat community has been SO welcoming. And I’ve made friends. I find myself checking google maps less and less when I wander. And I even know which hotels have the best bathrooms in their lobbies. If that doesn’t make me an expert then I don’t know what will. 

I have booked a few trips to different Christmas Markets and I really hope that it all works out. But if it doesn’t, something else will. If you don’t see instagram pictures of me sloshed off mulled wine at a German Christmas Market just assume I’m stewing in my amazing apartment trying desperately to live in the moment.