The Frustration Stage

I was reading an article the other day about culture shock. The first stage is the honeymoon stage. Everything is new and fresh and exciting and none of the inconveniences of moving to a new place matter. Then comes the frustration stage, adjustments and finally acceptance. 

I was reading the article with a private student who wants to improve her conversational english. When we got to the paragraph about frustration I had her read out the symptoms of irritability and hostility. Suddenly my bad mood the past few weeks made sense. The weekend before I had woken up and didn’t have any more coffee. So I pulled on my layers and layers ( and layers) to go out. The idea of going to a local Hungarian coffee shop for some reason made my mouth turn dry. I just didn’t have the patience or energy to attempt to blend in as a local. I needed Starbucks. So I lumbered over to the closest location in a mall and ordered an iced coffee and a croissant 

What I got was an iced americano and a block of ice that once chipped away might resemble a piece of bread. When I tried to explain that I wanted an iced coffee the barista rolled her eyes. This is iced coffee. Normally I would let it go. But for some reason I just… really needed my Starbucks iced coffee. 

No. This is two shots of espresso pulled over ice with water added. Thats an americano… Do you have coffee that’s been brewed to be iced? Like… coffee but its over ice. 

They looked at me like I was insane. Maybe because it was 30 degrees outside. Maybe because it doesn’t really seem like thats a thing in Hungary. Maybe because at this point I was foaming at the mouth. Who’s to say.

After I conceded and took the americano, I walked back to my apartment kicking myself. Why did I have the knee jerk reaction to argue? What is the matter with me? Of course coffee in Budapest is going to be different from coffee in New York. 

It was like I blacked out and became the jean shorts & fanny pack wearing American tourist of my nightmares. 

A few days later I had another hissy fit that I wish I could take back. When riding the subway in Budapest, everything is on the honor system. Before walking down to the platform you have to validate your ticket. Someone might check. Someone might not. I validated my ticket, ran down to the platform, and missed my first train. The next one was coming in 2 minutes. Which meant I would have approximately 90 seconds to run for my bus once getting off the subway at the last stop. Once getting on the train a man walked up and asked me something in Hungarian. Finally I understood he needed to check my ticket. It was validated. Fine. About 30 seconds later another man walked up to me. Again he checked my ticket. I’d thrown it in my bag and couldn’t find it. I had to empty my whole bag of lesson plans, earbuds, chapsticks, empty candy wrappers just to show him the crumpled ticket that I had just pulled out 30 seconds earlier. I was fuming. Stupid fucking Budapest. Stupid fucking system. Did I  *look* like I had time to pull out my ticket and show it was validated?! I mean disregard the fact that I was on a moving train with nothing else to do but how dare they disrupt my morning!

Then as I exited the train ready to sprint for my bus, there stood a line of surly looking Hungarian men blocking the stairs up to the bus stop. I had to show my ticket again. HOW. FUCKING. STUPID. I tried to hurry past them. 

They stopped me and again an evil gremlin that had been latent until this moment decided to show herself and I shouted 

“I’ve shown it twice now. I’m not showing it again. Get out of the way!” And ran around them. 

Once I got on the bus I realized what I’d done and cowered. What the hell was the matter with me?! 

I could keep providing story after story detailing how my irritation and hostility have gotten the best of me but I’ll stop there- mostly so I don’t paint an accurate picture of what a monster I can be. But also because I’m trying to allow myself some grace. 

Trying to compare the life I lived in New York and the life that I live now in Budapest would be like walking into an authentic Chinese restaurant and getting annoyed that they’re not serving burgers and fries. I didn’t come to Budapest so I could have the same life that I did in NY and I knew that coming here to experience the good also meant I was going to have bad days. 

There are some things that are the same. I wake up. Normally too late to make coffee. I pull myself out of bed grumbling. Barely make the train. Barely make the bus. Go to work. Come home. Briefly consider doing something with my night. Mindlessly watch reruns of something until I fall asleep too late. But in other ways everything is almost too different to even start comparing. 

Theres also other challenges I’ve faced since coming here that dull the rose tinted glasses of the honeymoon phase. I’m facing the same problem I’ve always faced when teaching kids a second language. There is an incredibly unfounded opinion that teaching kids English (or any second language) is harmful to their development and impedes their learning in their first language. This is of course completely inaccurate. Learning a new language opens your mind and lengthens your world view. With the knowledge that another language exists comes knowledge of that culture. To purposefully stop exposure of other languages and cultures not only impedes a child’s learning  but also in layman terms is laying the groundwork for your kid to be kind of clueless about the world around them. 

Obviously the animosity I’ve encountered towards learning English comes from a deeper problem and Hungary isn’t the first place I’ve encountered it. I would love to write about the current political situation in Hungary but I do think that opinions formed from reading information and observing a situation from afar are different than opinions formed from lived experience. 

I’m lucky that no one I directly work with at the school holds this belief but there are people I encounter that do and it’s frustrating that I can’t adequately defend myself. I’ve definitely learned as of late that sometimes it’s ok to not have your opinion out in the universe. Sometimes simply feeling solid in your beliefs is enough. I don’t need to win every argument or justify my political opinions to make them real. 

So as I prepare to leave Budapest for a week to see my boyfriend and family in New York, here are the things that I really do love about Budapest. 

Transportation

The amount of public transportation here was the first thing I fell in love with. There’s trams and underground subways – some remnants of the communists, some more recent additions needed as the city grew. There’s also local buses and easily accessible buses to take you outside of Budapest. On top of all those options there’s 2 train stations where you can get a train to really anywhere in Europe. 

My first few days in Budapest, I wandered the city on foot-one because it was all so new and I wanted to be as close as possible to everything- but also because I was apprehensive. I’ve been burned by public transit before. The New York City MTA owes me emotional compensation in the balance of about a million dollars its ruined my day so many times. 

So my first few outings where I decided to use public transit here I allowed AMPLE time in case a driver quit in the middle of his route, or someone jumped on the tracks, or a knife fight broke out and everyone had to evacuate ( all things I experienced in the month leading up to my departure from New York) 

None of those things happened. The subways and trams and buses all came right when they were supposed to and I never experienced anything out of the ordinary during my rides.

Everything is so easy to figure out as well. It probably helps that Budapest isn’t that big.Theres 4 subway lines that all intersect with each other and the many above ground tram lines. Its all intuitive and getting from one side of the city to the other is extremely easy.  

Fashion

I came here with a pretty scarce wardrobe. It might not seem like it considering my suitcase busted open at the airport causing a delay in my entire plane’s luggage but we’re not talking about that right now ok. 

Sometimes I feel like I view collecting clothes like some people collect art. I have a bad habit of buying something because its pretty to look at and not because its something I’ll be able to use. I was able to let go of a lot of those pieces before coming here. 

I didn’t really know what I would need beyond the basics. Its kind of funny to even think about it now considering most people just look at my face and start speaking to me in English but I didn’t want to bring too many pieces that would scream American.

One of my favorite things to do is go to a thrift store and browse while listening to an audio book. Its like comfort food for my brain. Whenever I travel anywhere I make a point to make time for clothes shopping if I can and I knew the clothes that I bought here would just as special if not more than any souvenirs I leave with. 

I wouldn’t say that Hungary’s fashion is necessarily “behind” America’s. I would say it’s simply on a different path. A path that I am definitely enjoying exploring.

There are a lot of trends in America that either make me look like a pregnant oompa loompa with a hunchback or a Shakespearean page boy- just absolutely flat on all sides. 

There’s still trends here that don’t suit me but I do feel like the fashion is really in line with that works with my body. 

I’ve been able to find some absolute gems while thrifting and I’ve really built my closet into something where I know I’ll be set for any occasion. ( Although I do really want to go to a ball in Vienna once the season starts and I have yet to find a suitable gown). 

I love walking around vintage stores just as much as thrifting and have found some treasures ( like an Hermès jacket for roughly $90. It was an insane find but I’m a kindergarten teacher. What the fuck am I going to do with an Hermès jacket.)

I haven’t found anything in the vintage stores that I can justify purchasing yet but just like anywhere, the vintage shops here are great opportunities to take a little peek into the past lives of the locals. 

Prices- 

With the exchange rate from dollars to forints the American money I saved has gone really far. Which is great because honestly I didn’t save as much as I should have. 

A monthly public transit pass for unlimited tram, subway, bus in Budapest as well as a 10 km border is 19k forints or about $60. I use that one because the school where I teach is right outside Budapest city limits but if I just wanted to buy a one time bus ticket I could buy it from the driver for 450 forints which is about $1.50. 

I will say there are some things here that are just as pricey as they are in America. Which hurts even more considering I don’t have an American salary. Alot of non-Hungarian food is priced similarly to American prices. Sushi for example- is around €4500 for 2 rolls which is around $15. If anything thats just motivated me to stick to local businesses.  

My weekly grocery trip generally costs around 7000 forints which is about $20. 

Population

There are about 10 million people that live in the entire country of Hungary. Considering that 8 million people live in New York City alone, social distancing is a lot easier here. Sound pollution isn’t a thing and when I’m in my apartment at night it’s super rare that I would hear a car alarm or horn going off. It’s quiet and I’ve come to really appreciate it. 

Covid Protocols

I’ve noticed theres a level of respect that people hold for each other here. Theres no playing loud music on your phone in public. Theres no shoving past each other to get on the train ( people look at me like I’m insane when I’m running late and have to do this). Theres a lot of patience. 

This has extended to mask wearing and social distancing. When I arrived there weren’t any mask mandates but they were reinstated around the time school started again. There were people that were angry about it but they still wore masks. It was enforced by public transit workers but I never saw anyone fighting with them. People just get over it and wore their fucking masks. It was a great way to show that there were strangers invested in each other’s personal health and guess what?! The world didn’t stop turning. Groundbreaking,I know. 

Food

I feel like its a bit redundant to gush about all the food here by simply saying ‘It’s just so Eastern European!’ but getting to try all the local food here has really been amazing. I was taken aback at first by how quickly the fresh food I bought would go bad. Everythings so fresh and local here which is great but also that means if I buy a tomato I really need to be prepared to cook that tomato in the very near future. 

Theres grocery stores but theres also plenty of farmers markets where you can buy fresh produce, meat, honey, and dried goods from locals at their stalls. 

With how fresh everything is I’m not surprised that there is a huge emphasis on natural remedies. I’ve had a variation of a cold for pretty much the entire time I’ve been here. My immune system is in shambles and I work with kids who still think I’m just being so silly when I tell them to please stop licking the table. I have started taking vitamins, herbal teas, and homemade remedies  that I feel like are helping the overall issue. I do still miss American doctors who would just shove antibiotics at the problem, though. 

Its getting harder and harder to romanticize moving to Budapest like I used to but I think thats a good thing. I was so disgusted with my current life in New York that anything different seemed like a fairy tale. I needed quiet and tranquility and less stress. I needed to stop dealing with roommates and landlords and the constant hustle that is needed to survive in a city where 8 million people are crammed on top of each other. Reality has set in and I’m reminded that there are some things in life in which you just can’t escape. No matter where you go, there will be days where you don’t feel like getting out of bed despite the fact that there are groceries that need to be bought and laundry that needs to be done. And unless I somehow transform into a hotel heiress with unlimited free hotel rooms ( something I’m still banking on), I’m always going to have a landlord and an apartment or house that sometimes needs attending to.

I’m finishing all this on a train to Munich trying to piece together all my half thoughts I recorded in my notes app over the last week. As I went about my week I really tried to redirect any negative thoughts I felt and think about what I like about living here. I have a tickle in my throat and everytime I try to clear it theres a woman in a hazmat suit sitting across from me shooting daggers with her eyes. I’m resisting the urge to tell her she chose to ride on a public train and that first class private cabins were available to purchase when she bought her ticket. I made the sort of somewhat last minute decision to go back to New York for Christmas. That was before their infection rate tripled and now I feel a bit like I’m flying into a big pot of boiling water and just hoping I don’t get burned. Most of my friends have COVID so I won’t really be seeing anyone. Regardless I’m going to try and enjoy my time with Dan and my family. And if the only thing I get to do for the 10 days I’m there is wander the streets and sit in my boyfriend’s midtown apartment people watching out the window, then fine. Thats how I’ll be spending my break. 

I’m really hopeful that I’ll be able to experience more in the spring but theres talk of schools shutting down again and another lockdown. I’m not going to get ahead of myself and worry about something that hasn’t happened yet but it is hard to make plans that you can look forward to when COVID is always looming in the corner. 

I don’t want to end all this on a negative thought but sometimes its not possible to be cheery and upbeat all the time. So I’ll just say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. On to 2022!