You guys would tell me if I was old right?

If anyone was wondering about my abilities as an adult, worry no longer. I not only did my taxes, BUT I did them as an individual living out of the country. Who also received unemployment last year. And who made income in another country. It was all completed correctly and I only rage slammed my computer shut once. So I think I deserve a medal. Or a drink.

I’ve been trying to find the mental energy to write- not only this blog but other stories I’ve been working on and I’ve been coming up short. I’ve found that whenever I sit down to form a clear and concise update, I end up vomiting 3000 words into a document that have absolutely no through line or subject whatsoever. I’ve had a hard time finding motivation lately in many aspects of my life. Actually I’ve been having a hard time doing much of anything with any sort of focus. 

Honestly I’d been in a not great place since getting back in January. I’m sure some of it can be blamed on lack of vitamin d, the cold, the sun setting at ungodly hours, missing my boyfriend. I did end up getting COVID and contrary to popular belief it wasn’t fun! My symptoms were mild and I mostly just slept. The only thing I still feel like I’m recovering from is the isolation I experienced and change in routine. I’ve always teetered between feeling like an extrovert and introvert my entire life. Removing the possibility for social interaction reminded me how much I do need it to survive even if it’s going to a bar and sitting by myself with a book in hand. 

I’ve also adapted the physical routine of an elderly sloth in that since getting Covid I get home from work lay on my couch and then at some point roll to my bed. I can’t really blame that completely on Covid, though. I haven’t even unpacked my tennis shoes since moving here in august. Atleast before I made time for an at home yoga or dance video once a week. 

A few weekends ago my friend Alex and his boyfriend Isaac visited me from Wales and while I was kind of dreading the idea of having to clean my apartment, which had become a den of depression with food wrappers scattered everywhere, I was grateful for something to force me off the couch. 

Alex and I met ten years ago when we were both working for a summer camp. We were both complete messes in the same ways and our lives have seemed to parallel each others over the years. 

The first night he arrived, we were meant to go out but ended up sitting in my apartment for 3 hours in a constant trill of catching up without even breathing. We talked alot about getting older and how we feel like we’re so different but also how it feels like nothings changed in who we are fundamentally. We’ve become people our younger versions would make fun of but secretly envy. We’re not scared of the process of getting older itself but of one day realizing we’re still doing the same things we enjoyed in our 20s but suddenly realizing we’re too old for it all. That one ordinary day we’d walk into our favorite bar wearing our favorite outfit and look decrepit and out of place among all the 20 somethings. 

Before I moved here I was so self conscious of where I was in life. I still am, a bit. I have a bad habit of judging my timeline against others and I felt like other ESL teachers would take one look at me and judge me based on my age. But the thing that I have to remember is… I don’t look at other people and have that gut reaction to judge, so why do I assume they’re going to have one about me? 

For awhile turning 30 terrified me. It felt like a milestone I wasn’t ready to live up to. I do feel like I’ve released some of the pressure I used to put on myself to hit certain life milestones by specific points in my life. Even now thinking about the things I’ve untethered myself from, I feel lighter. Unfortunately my jaw still tightens at the mere thought of other people my age who have seemingly successful and lucrative careers. But I’m where I’m supposed to be right now. 

I’ve been feeling torn in a lot of areas of my life and haven’t really been able to find clarity on my own. Probably because the obvious answer isn’t the one I necessarily want to hear. 

I came to Budapest with a huge savings account that took me years to build. It feels stupid and frivolous to blow all that in one year.  But it also feels overly prudent to not allow myself to indulge. When I go back to New York I want to be able to afford my life there and I won’t be able to do that if I blow everything in a year. The last time I moved to New York I had $700  in my bank account and I had to work so incredibly hard to survive. I worked 7 days a week for months. The thought of having to go back to that life scares me. I don’t know if I could do that again. But then I remind myself I didn’t have the same connections I have now. A meditation I like to listen to says the rain always stops on its own. Things always work out. Maybe not in the way you want. But it will all be ok. 

Thoughts of the future make my stomach lurch mostly because I have no idea what it looks like, so we won’t talk about that right now. 

Theres so much I still want to do here. Now isn’t the time for caution. And I can’t sit at home every weekend in fear of what might happen in the future. After struggling with these anxieties, I finally decided that I deserve to have things to look forward to and booked a few trips. While I initially felt a wave of panic wash over me thinking about the money I’d spent, I also didn’t let myself run away with those thoughts. I am a capable adult. I work hard. I can take care of myself and it will all be ok. 

We did a lot while Alex was here and I got to play tourist. I think I needed reminding how much fun Budapest can be. Despite living here for only a few months I’d fallen into a bit of a rut with the places I’d been going. 

I plan to write about the itinerary I created for Alex’s visit so be on the look out for that!