Leaving Budapest

While I’ve only had a very small amount of relationships in my life I would say I’ve experienced a large amount of devastating breakups. Break ups of the romantic nature but also unconventional break ups. Break ups with friends. With cities. With versions of myself I was still holding on to. Even with ideas. 

So like a bona fide break up I’ve felt my relationship with Budapest coming to a close for awhile. And like a true break up I held on hoping things might miraculously work out but they haven’t because they were never meant to. 

I have loved living in Budapest. I had a few bad patches with Covid and the weather and other things that you have to deal with anywhere but mostly I’ve really missed my boyfriend. I would have days where I would emerge from my subway station at the end of a work day and it would wash over me like a wave how much I loved living here. But then I would always think, ‘I wish I could share this with Dan’. That feeling didn’t sully any of the experiences I had, it just left them feeling a little incomplete. 

I think an unfortunate side effect from choosing to uproot yourself is that you will never fully be at home anywhere ever again. You will always know and love people who are not near you. You will have coffee shops and bars in cities all over the country, maybe even the world, that you will long for on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings despite perfectly fine coffee shops and bars in your neighborhood.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so restless. Moments like this when I’m feeling an immeasurable amount of pain, like I’m ripping off an actual part of myself and planting it in the soil, I wish I could be ok growing roots in one place and allowing myself to bloom there. 

But if I didn’t open myself up to the pain of leaving I would also be closing off the possibility of growing and exploring and becoming the person who I am. Instead of a tiny little flower blooming in the place I’ve always been I like to think of myself as a vine that twists and turns and flourishes all over. 

I think I find a little comfort in the fact that I will mourn Budapest more than Budapest will ever mourn me. It will keep moving and evolving and it will be there when I come back. Like anywhere you stay for a long time, I feel that I will leave Budapest changed. The way of life in Hungary is just different. It’s slower with more care and attention to health. And I hope I continue these practices in my life wherever I end up. 

For now, I will be in New York teaching English online and working towards a few bigger things. I have a super crazy summer of family reunions, weddings, and trips all over so I hope all the socializing will help me reacclimate to life in the US. 

I’m sitting here in the airport anxiously waiting to board my gate, wondering if I can squeeze in one more bathroom trip before boarding and I’m wishing I had more time. Theres no use in drawing out goodbyes but I wish I could have existed in Budapest a bit longer as a tourist. I know I’ll come back. And maybe the next place I choose to live won’t be so far.

I still have a few travel posts that I’m working on and will hopefully post in the coming weeks so keep a look out.

Thanks for following along on this chapter of my journey. I hope you’ll stay with me for the next few chapters as well.