Falling Back in Love

While I was in Budapest during one of my first shopping trips I found a bookstore with an English section and bought a few books. I didn’t have any hard plans to read them but filling my shelves up with books made my apartment feel more familiar. 

I bought a fantasy series I never opened, a poetry book I sometimes flipped through, and the only one I actually read- Persuasion by Jane Austen. 

In the middle of my read I put it in my carry-on luggage that I was forced to check and then subsequently somehow got soaked in the course of my Christmas break travels. Everything in my suitcase was waterlogged so the book swelled and the words ran and I finished the book by listening to it as an audiobook I found on YouTube- not quite the same experience as curling up with the book on my couch. 

Persuasion focuses on two people who were in love but broke up because of external circumstances. Years later they come back together and are persuaded to try again. 

I think I’m adapting the same attitude towards New York at the current moment. 

I fell out of love with New York. In, like, a major way. But I’m here again and I can either be miserable and jaded and roll my eyes every time I hear a tourist ask for directions to Times Square or I can persuade myself to give it another go. 

It’s been really hard being back. I miss teaching. I miss my friends. I miss living on my own and  being able to afford it. I miss being able to travel. And I let myself drown in pity for a bit and then I remember a few things. I’m still teaching-just online. I missed my friends in America and now I am able to see them. My housing situation is unstable right now but I have a lovely boyfriend and friends that I’ve been able to live with. And I can travel in the US- in fact I’ve traveled a lot since being back. These past two months have been a constant battle of reframing my thoughts and feelings and expectations. 

When I first moved back in July I felt incredibly isolated. And I forgot, kind of, that I know people here and could have reached out for work. I was grasping for some sort of stability so I just started throwing things at the wall and to see what would stick. And nothing really did. 

I’ve really been trying to fight the urge to go into survival mode. When my future looks unclear I tend to act rashly. I apply to 50 jobs that I don’t want to do but I know are safe. I fill my days with activities that feign productivity. I’ve been trying to just sit in this lost feeling and trust that the answer is going to come to me. I needed to let myself be still. Being still takes a lot of trust and I realized that I think I lost trust in myself. Which is ridiculous because I’ve always been able to take care of myself.

I was hit the other day with how incredibly lucky I am for the support system I have. I was very ready to move back to New York. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t devastated to leave Budapest. New York is where I am right now so here are some things that I am remembering I love about the city I can’t seem to bid adieu quite yet. 

Theater

You don’t have to treat yourself to go see shows in New York. Before I left, the theater industry was still limping towards fully reopening and it kind of broke my heart to not be able to get off work and think ‘hmm I think I’ll go see a show tonight’ like I used to. I went to a show the other day and it reminded me how much I love every aspect of theater. I love the line to get in. The shared experience of laughing along with strangers. The buzz of socializing at intermission. The post-show dinner and drinks to decompress and share your thoughts. Watching someone perform on stage in New York is to watch someone fulfill their dreams. 

Nature

The city is so concrete that you appreciate the patches of grass that you do have. Sometimes those patches of grass are 1 square foot where a little tree is persevering surrounded by man made structures. Sometimes that patch of grass is a 60 block long park. Central Park is wonderful and iconic but there are so many other splotches of nature that can be found. Prospect Park was my haven during the lockdown. Going back reminded me how important surrounding yourself with green is. I’ve since made a point to explore the other lesser known ( by me)  parks of the 5 boroughs. There’s Sunset Park with stunning views of lower Manhattan. Fort Green with its hills and tennis courts that block out the sounds of the city. Tompkins Square that provides a reprieve from the chaos of the East Village. 

Apart from the parks there are also the beaches. New York is really just a few islands smushed together and what are islands without their beaches? My usual go to is Brighton Beach. Its clean and located in an inlet that is protected from the rougher waves coming in from the Atlantic. I would laze around for a bit- maybe buying some Eastern European specialties from the bakeries and then walk down the boardwalk to Coney Island to people watch. Apart from Brighton Beach and Coney Island there’s also the beaches in Long Island that can be reached by the LIRR and The Rockaways which are more of a trek but worth the views and fish tacos once you get there. 

Food

Whenever people used to visit New York and ask me for food recommendations I never felt like I was able to give them a specific answer. Any restaurant that is able to exist in New York is going to be good because it’s competing with millions of others. I’ve had everything from sushi tacos to a vegan coq au vin at a completely meat free French restaurant in the West Village. I would have never even thought to seek out half the unique dishes I’ve enjoyed in New York, but with how accessible eccentric food options can be I’ve been able to expose my taste buds to the bizarre. 

When I first came back I slowly introduced American food back into my system. After a bout of Covid and being told to go on probiotics, I was hesitant to allow myself to indulge in the fried and processed foods I loved so much in my 20’s. While I salivated over a good chicken kebab from a street cart I had a feeling my digestive system couldn’t really handle it anymore. I was right. But my new dietary restrictions have reminded me that there’s literally something for everyone in New York. 

Trains

Honestly, the New York City subway system has got me longing for Budapest’s efficient and plentiful transit options. While I have begrudgingly decided that the subways will always be terrible and dirty, at least they get me from point a to point b- despite how long that may take. I am lucky that during a surge in gas prices I don’t have to rely on cars. Riding the subway is a universal experience all New Yorkers share and it is nice to be able to settle back into the chaos of the city at its root. 

Apart from the subway I am deeply grateful for the Metro North that I can take to upstate New York and the NJ Transit that takes me to visit family and friends in New Jersey. Within an hour of departing Grand Central or Penn Station, I can be hiking or swimming or relaxing on a familiar couch surrounded by family. 

Part of me will always be daydreaming about the day when I finally feel like I can say a forever goodbye to New York. But the other part of me, the part of me that is attempting to exist in the present, is happy to be home. I have an itch to go back overseas but I think it’s a good thing that I’m forcing myself to sit in the still and the calm and really think. 

If this entry feels chaotic and all over the place that’s probably because I feel chaotic and all over the place. I’ve been attempting to put together a catalog of travel articles and pitches for different publications as well as a website and a few other side projects. I’m constantly wavering between feeling intense surges of ambition and low plateaus of purposelessness. But I think if that’s not adulthood then what is? 

Thank you and hello to my new subscribers! Now that I am a bit more settled I’ll be posting more. Check out my instagram and a few pictures below for some New York memories.